The hidden cost to marrying a Chinese girl

I’ll just forego the introduction and come out and just say a Westerner should not marry a Chinese girl, if the PLAN is to live in China, and not go back home.  He can’t afford the expense.   The endless comparisons to Chinese Man, along with the expectations placed upon her by family, add up to a lot of stress for the unexpecting laowai.  Esp in this day and age.   If you can convince her to not have kids, and just “live together”, all the power to you. 

This article is not for either the jaded or experienced.  A 40 something laowai with a 30 something Chinese lady have a hell of a lot better chance at success.   This is not for you.

(And I realize that all cultures have this same issue.  But in China they are magnified to a higher degree.)

But if you are both marrying for the first time, one must prepare himself(or steel himself?) for both the financial onslaught and shenanigans of her family.

I remember when I was 25 and madly in love with my fiancée, still wife of 23.  What the hell were we thinking? We both shudder now at the stupidity of our actions back then.  And life was MUCH simpler. It was infinitely easier for a laowai to marry a Chinese beauty in 93 than it is now, and I pity the laowai for that.  He really has no idea what he’s getting into.  He sees the love in his wife’s eyes, and nothing else.  He has no regard or understanding for what her family thinks.  

Because marrying a Chinese girl and then settling down in China carries a cost.   A hidden cost. 

And you need to know what that cost is.   I’m not talking the emotional cost.  Which can be pretty steep, more so for the lady than for you.

Quick example of a bad situation:

I have a former co-worker in Shenzhen that has been married to a Chinese for 3 years. Same hometown. They just had their baby less than a year ago.  And now it’s breakup city.   Yep….poor baby will grow up in a house most likely without a dad. 

However, mom is the one having it rough right now.   The only downside to the divorce is she believes she’s damaged goods. 

“No one will want me now”, she lamented over cranberry juice. 

She’s only 30 years old.   And she feels her life is pretty much ruined for the foreseeable future.

Well….imagine if her baby was only half Chinese?   Methinks this lady will have another opportunity at love and happiness.   She’s not ugly.   But what Chinese man is gonna want to marry a lady with a baby only half Chinese?  

But today we want to talk abt the financial side.  Because neither one of you want to be in the above situation.

Living in China, as we know, is already expensive.  I’m talking about the big cities.   Simple rent for a 400 sq foot aprt is as high as it is for a 1000 foot aprt in my  hometown. 

So let’s talk abt what it would take to live in China, with a Chinese wife.  We need to be real.  We need to set our expectations vis a vis how we would live back home(I can hear the “no way” groans already).  If you aren’t comparing how you would live back home(no matter the country), with how you would live in China, you are not being honest with yourself.  

However, let me not bust your bubble.

We can use another metric.

Let’s talk about the expectations of your wife…..and your mother in law.

Make no mistake, when your wife over the course of a walk in the park, or a quiet dinner at home brings up a demand sandwiched between a smile and a glass of wine, she’s not just talking abt what she “wants”…..but what her mother has told her she “needs”.

Now…we need to be clear that we are talking about life in the Big City. 

We ain’t talking about life in some 3^rd tier town of Guangdong or Hunan.  We’re talking about life where the both of you probably met…ie a tier one city with a few nice areas along with certain laowai districts.

I’ll use Shenzhen as my personal reference.  

Now it’s time to go house hunting.

An average sized, centrally located apartment here is approx. 70-100 sq meters.  In the city.  Near a subway.  Suitable for a laowai.   Upper end apartments go for 3 million rmb.   One living room, an ofc and 2 beds.  (need to put your mother in law in the guest room for now?  No worries, she’ll lose sleep as she hears you bringing her daughter to climax each night)

That’s $500k.  Allow me to put that in perspective.

My 5000 sq foot house in the States’ with a pool, and a basement, is abt the same cost as the above.   (does it keep my wife quiet?  Nope, but that’s another story)

Too expensive you say?  Alright than…where shall you live?  A rundown 50 sq feet aprt with a Chinese toilet and no balcony?  Perhaps you want a place an hour subway ride from anything of interest?  I said you need to be honest with yourself, dude.  Why suck it up in China if you wouldn’t be willing to do so at home?

Problem.

How you gonna buy that aprt in China?  Most of us will not be able to get a loan.  The Chinese know we can renege on the loan at anytime and just go home.  (I knew an American that did just that.  Not cool, I know.  His Ayi came after me for what she was owed.)

So Mr. Laowai you gotta pay in cash. 

Issues with that?  Of course you do.  How do we solve this problem?

Your wife suddenly comes to the rescue….

“why don’t we put it my name?”

And just like that, Mr. Laowai, you’ve lost all financial leverage in the marriage.(don’t forget you paid the deposit)

Not only did you put down a hefty deposit for the aprt, it’s not even in your name….dumbass.  The “love of your life” can leave you the next day.   She can even rent it out.   

Don’t tell me with a straight face that “renting is fine”, because it’s not.  What self respecting man is gonna marry and then rent an aprt?   (ok, maybe I’m being a bit extreme here.  Maybe you are from NYC or some place like that, and renting is respectable.  But in China, it’s not, and that’s what I’m trying to get across here) If you are going to live in China, you buy her a house, period.  And if she says “we don’t need a house”……she’s either lying or helplessly naïve…(she’s with you right?)!

And if you write back to me and say “no, it’s fine, my wife is cool abt it”…..well maybe she is.   But what abt the relatives ie, everyone, that opposed the marriage?  You don’t think she’ll feel embarrassed and more than a wee bit ashamed that she lives with a foreigner that can’t buy her a house?

You need to understand that you are marrying a lady who not only has expectations towards her future husband, but who in turn must answer to her family’s expectations.

Within of 6 months of being harangued by her relatives, she’ll be changing her mind, pronto.  

So….in essence, she’s basically bailing you out.  That’s right.  She’s giving you a way to save face for both of them.

So what do you do?  Do you pony up the deposit for that house…..or proffer an alternative?

(again, the assumption is that you are not moving back to your native country.  If you are, the above doesn’t necessarily apply.  And again, in the spirit of honesty, a lot of Chinese, far more than say 20 years ago, don’t want to stay in China anymore.  They realize it’s a akin to the Enterprise slowly plunging back to Earth, trailing black smoke and all)

There’s a way to finesse the situation, that will suit your wives tastes and give you a way to avoid buying a house in a big, overpriced city.

Buy one instead in your wife’s hometown.

It’ll be significantly less.  It will be a highly visible prop to LOVE, and her mom can rent it out while you both live on in the big city.   Your wife gets the house in her name of course.  You both get the FACE.  It’s a win –win…..but you still gotta pay the deposit. 

I know one laowai that has done just that.   In one stroke he’s both given his wife a little face, shut her family up, and achieved harmony.  Nevermind the financial hit he’ll take. 

However, when buying an aprt in your wife’s hometown, you need to ensure you will be getting her something above and beyond what her mom already owns.

Her mom is a renter you say?  Good for you…low bar to exceed!

But it’s imp your wife doesn’t go sideways.  She needs to live better than her mom.  This will show her mom she made the right choice.  End of discussion.

(Some Chinese still think we’re rich.  Yeah…we carry the “stigma”.   We always will. )

Next….car.

You gotta a license?  Does she?

We need to step back and look at the type of girl you have.  We assume you are marrying a beautiful woman that can have her pick of the lot, but through your skill, determination and refusal to lose, she wound up picking you instead.  If she’s pretty, confident, and comfortable around the opposite sex, well the odds are she’s been asked out a lot, and been in more rides than you can count. 

She’s done the BMW, the Range Rovers, the Porsche…blah blah.

So what will she settle for from you?

I know a 25 year old girl that has her heart set on a BMW.   She’s already ridden in ever European vehicle there is.  She hasn’t ridden in a Honda though.   Will she accept a lower choice from you, when she can ride a Chinese dudes car whenever she feels hungry or wants to see a movie?

I have a suggestion:

Why not go to your wives QQ and check out all the guys with pix of them and their rides.  This will give you a great feel for the circle of friends she swims in.  And for the bar you have to meet.

Are you ready to put down the cash for an Audi at double the rate back home?   One has time when making a decision on a car purchase.   The issue of a house comes up right away, and purchasing one often takes place even before marriage.  A car can wait.

But if her previous BF had one, and you are going to live in China, than you are behind the 8 ball from DAY ONE.  Again, maybe it’s time to take a step back and look objectively at this.

You are not a loser.

You do not suck.

You are neither incompetent nor naïve.  It’s not your fault you met the woman of your dreams in China while living there.  And your job keeps you there.   It’s not your fault your newly minted wife is highly attractive, outgoing and seen by many men as desirable.   We Westerners rarely date anyone else with wife potential.

It’s just your plain dumb luck that you are inevitably compared to Mr. Chinese Dude.

Yeah, once again I need to remind you of who is always lurking in the background.

We’ve mentioned him before.  He comes in many shapes and sizes.  He relishes the opportunity to flaunt his wealth.  Yeah, his BMW is a million rmb.  He paid in cash.  He’s 27 and his parents are loaded.  Or he’s a businessman that pays his workers 1500 rmb a month, and skimps on his taxes. 

  And maybe while you were away he took your gf(with other chicks of course) out and spent 10,000 rmb on her in your city’s newest nightclub. ( In the name of business of course.  You see, your soon to be wife happens to be his customer.)

Chinese Men and Chinese Women are meant for each other.  Chinese Men like to flaunt it and Chinese Women like to be with men that are willing to do so.  Most young Chinese women judge a man by how willing he is to spend RMB on them.  (Yes, all societies are this way, but very few judge the success of wedding by how many Ferrari’s they can line up.)    It is a society dominated by appearances.  Tina Turner was right.  It’s just their culture.   

Again, the club analogy…..  Why would a Chinese Woman used to being driven around in an Audi A8 with a table at the club want to hang out with a laowai at the bar, with a 50 rmb Heineken, having arrived by taxi?  

Maybe I’m setting an extreme example.  Probably I am.    You just need to understand that for better or worse the inevitable comparisons to China Dude force you to spend that much more to give your wife the face she and her family thinks she deserves.  Esp her family. And that’s a hidden cost.

When deciding on what type of car to buy, it’s a very good guide to see what your future mother-in-law drives.(same as the house)  You can’t buy below her.  You need to be above her.  Your wife needs to show her mom that she’s marrying up.  Going sideways won’t count.

If her mom drives a BMW, well, you’re fucked.

If she drives a Buick, you have hope.

And if you are the type to just sit back and let your wives’ wealthy parents pay for everything, well son, that’s not a marriage.  Rather that’s an invitation to eternal condescension from your inlaws.   Btw, if they tell the both of you to “take your time having a child”, that’s merely doublespeak for “let us find time to replace you with the rich China Dude she deserves”.

Remember me and my wife up at the top?  While I was back home to see my parents in the States’, her and her mom flew to Guangzhou on a last minute mission to meet a prospective mate.   Yep, behind my back, while we were engaged, her mom was even than still scheming to find an alternative. 

Yeah, I know, I exaggerate.   Your wife isn’t a gold digger you say. 

But you miss my point. 

You see, her mother is.  And her mother wants what’s best for her daughter.  And that isn’t love.  It’s economic security.  Love ebbs and flows….but real estate always goes up.   Her mom will forever be comparing you to some other punk ass rich kid, mentally calculating who will give her daughter the most comfortable life.   The less you give your wife, the more obvious the comparison will be.  And the downward spiral thus begins(see my Enterprise metaphor)

The only way to escape all of the above…the whispering, the nudging, the loss of face, and esp China Dude, is to put your wife in a suitcase and get her to your home country, away from prying eyes, and the power of her family to influence things.