Hey young laowai! So you think you want to marry a nice Chinese girl? Slow down!

Why the foreigner isn’t compatible with a modern day Chinese girl.

I’ve been reading up on Chinasmack, etc, recently, like a lot of you, following the conversations, the threads, as regards Chinese women, and us laowai men.  Usually the writers are pissed off angry, Chinese men.  Almost always, such as in the recent stories as regards Chinasmack, they use extreme examples of foreigners, in a very poor light, to demonstrate their point.
I will say here that for the first time in awhile, a fellow writing about such a topic, did indeed have some valid points.  That is, that we Western men start earlier, and thus by the time we come to China, are already vastly superior to our counterparts in sexual experience.   And there is also the age factor to add on top of that.   I agree.   However, I do not agree with his exaggerations(we all lose our virginity around 14!), but with his generalization on the above two points above. 
 I also agree with his point that we wind up with women who usually have money.   However, that’s by accident not by design.  We like self confident women, and they are of course usually successful.   However, I’ve yet to meet a single laowai that brags about wanting to marry into money.   The fallacy here is that Chinese men assume we think like them.   We’re attracted to beauty first, than the mind.  If the mind isn’t there, than its just a fling.  If the mind is there, than we’re usually more interested.   It just so happens that smart, confident women willing to speak with laowai tend to often be financially secure, and that means perhaps owning a business.  However, about 65% of what he said was flat out wrong.  Yet still he was closer than anyone else I’ve read to the truth.

But he got me to thinking.  From what I’ve seen, and from what I know, he forced me to make a conclusion.   That is, we are indeed unfit to marry a modern day Chinese woman.   We are simply too culturally far apart, on a general basis, to make a lasting relationship work.  Granted, I do make exceptions:

This article doesn’t include any female from perhaps mid 30’s on.  It is subjective, but fair.  And it only discusses younger laowai men.  This article is only in regards to younger, highly sought after Chinese women, thus the “modern day” tag.    Why this?  Because in my view there is a generational difference in thinking, between Chinese ladies that are in their 20’s, and those beginning from the mid to late 30’s, that is much greater than comparable women in the West, within the same age brackets.

In my view, those differences are as such:
The younger set is far more materialistic. 
The younger set is far more “realistic”.  For example, they are far more likely to “be kept”.
Far more liberal, and willing to try new things.
Less likely to see education as a means to an end.
More willing to go into business.  Less risk adverse.  More adventurous.
Thus, far less sense of initial shame or embarrassment.
In a word, they grow up faster.   Their more willing to try new things, and that means have relationships with laowai.  However, that doesn’t mean their fit for marriage to a laowai. 

The goal of this is for all young Western men out there that think their in love with one of these young ladies, to take a step back.  Because you are blinded by the challenges one faces with this new generation of women nowadays.
Believe it or not, Chinese girls face a lot of criticism, pressure, and disapproval when dating a foreigner.  Mostly from their family.    Some from their boring, homely friends.(  We all have them.  Those conservative types that think a good time is watching a movie on a laptop while eating peanuts and tea. )
Because if it fails, humiliation ensues.  It is a tremendous loss of face for the female.  Us?  Hell, we just move on. 
The lady is tainted for life.  She is “dirty”.  And her parents lecture her with “I told you so’s”.    The woman is spoiled goods.   Potential suitors will think the worst.  They’ll probably never even know she dated or married a Westerner.  It will be kept secret.  All those KTV girls that eventually go back to their village to get married….you think their husbands know their background?  Of course not.  Same thing for us.  And if they do, the brave Chinese guy that still marries her will probably have an inferiority complex whenever they have sex.
So I ask my foreign comrades;  if you are really serious about marrying a Chinese girl, pls keep the above in mind.  Because I think if you love this person, you wouldn’t want the above to happen to her, no matter how bitter the breakup.    When a marriage fails, the Chinese girl suffers far more than you do.  Pls be sensitive to this. This is reason one.

Reason two is simple:  we just can’t keep up.  What do I mean by this?  If you are going to marry a Chinese girl, the first decision that will have to be made, is in which country shall you live?  Because if you choose the wrong country, you’re already down the wrong path.   Choose China?  OK….can you buy her a house?  What about a car?  Have you checked real estate prices lately?  Than you know buying her a house, and eventually a car, is a lot of $ for just not the average Westerner, but the well heeled one at that.   

  I’d laugh(and so should you), at any self respecting laowai that says this is not an issue. 

And how shall you buy this house?  Take out a loan at the local bank perhaps?  Tell me, what is your credit score in China?  To my knowledge there still is no concept of this here.   Salary?  The only way a foreigner is going to successfully buy a house here is with cash, or his wife’s family helping out.  What self respecting foreigner is going to allow his wife’s family to buy them a house?  

Maybe you are marrying into a wealthy family.  So what!  Would you let your wife buy the house upon marriage in your native country?
Let me ask you this:  Would you expect your own daughter upon marriage to buy the house she and her husband will live in?

Because the girl is taking a big risk marrying you, she needs face in equal measure.  That means you need to pony up.  These are the bare minimal requirements for any self respecting foreigner.    Pls don’t compare yourself to a Chinese male.  What self respecting laowai would do this?  

Your upward potential is infinitely greater than his.  You have the luxury of going home, where housing is cheap, bigger, etc. This country is becoming more expensive, not less.  No matter, if you are going to live here, these things have to be done, or in my view, the marriage will quickly deteriorate into daily arguments about “you are not taking care of me”.     

She may even ask you to buy her parents an apartment, but that is putting the cart before the horse.

We can eat bitterness you say?(again, for any laowai that’s been here for over 6 months, and doesn’t know this phrase, than you are really not assimilating quickly enough.)    Than pls see above.  Your gf is part of the spoiled “me” generation.   She’s not eating anything.
I’m making some assumptions here.  That’s part of the article.  She’s young, beautiful, and sought after.  This articles doesn’t take on the issue of laowai marrying older Chinese women.  Totally different.

You say you’ll start a business in China, in order to afford a house?  What nonsense.  As sure as the average corrupt businessman, or official could never make it in the West, the same goes for you in China.  Having a good idea, or business plan isn’t enough.  You need to know how to work within the system, and we can never master their business culture here.  As usual there are exceptions.  If your customer base is in the West, it’s a different story.

So if you are going to get married, I’d consider taking her back to your home country.   Your country, your rules.   But her country, her rules.  And if you can’t accept that, what’s the point?

Reason three is the competition.  Yes, we have competition.  Who is the competition you ask?  Simple, the 2nd generation of passed down wealth.  We in the West rarely see a young kid below the age of 30 driving a nice German car, or what have you.   But we see it here a lot.  I was always scratching my head about what I’m doing wrong in life?  How are these Chinese so damn rich, that even a punk ass kid has one of these things?   Than my friends explained it to me.  It’s passed down wealth, not earned.  Yes, I know, there are those who actually earn it.  Pls see the above ref to these guys.   

Again, my basis for this article is that you have a highly sought after gf.  Well, you have competition.  And he drives a nice car, and probably already has a house.  And he speaks Chinese.  And he’s probably not bad looking either.   What do you have?  The intangibles you say?  You think your 26 yr old hot gf is going to appreciate the intangibles?    Pls reference the “realistic” nature of the Chinese woman today. You see, sooner or later, the charm of being with a laowai wears off.  Than what? 

Do I generalize?  Sure I do.  I hope you get one of the few that are oblivious to the above comparisons.
But for your sake, I hope you are neither a teacher, nor a foreigner that doesn’t speak Chinese.  Because honestly speaking, though you may win a lap, you won’t win the race.


  1. I really need to talk to you about this subject I am extremely Interested in a 30ish Chinese lady I am 45 and from west TN. Jeffwilliamson43@gmail.com all lower case on my name

  2. Nice article! Well, from my personal experience and time spent in many parts of China, for the past five to six years, cumulatively, I find that there are exceptions to the rule, although most of what was discussed in this article is usually (typically) true. But there are still "special finds", if we laowai's are lucky enough to stumble upon or realize such a find.

    Actually, there are some questions and things I'd like to ask you about a Chinese girl I'm interested in (not guaranteed though depending on how things go). Her and I have been keeping in touch on and off for past few months since I've been back in the States, as I used to live in China for 5 years, and I'm here temporarily in the States to take care of preparation for graduate studies via distance courses. We've known each other for over a year now, but have only dated each other a little more than a handful of times.

    If all goes well here State side, I will be back in China in first month of next year, but in different city. My email is lonedrifter5000@yahoo.com (all lower case letters as seen)

    Thanks, and looking forward to your email.

    - Alan

  3. Glad you liked the article. I will follow up with you soon enough. I do find however, that China changes, and some of my posts may have bits of them out of date. I admit as much. Keep reading on!


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