The Ugly American and the Ugly Chinese

The Ugly American and The Ugly Chinese

As regard the laowai, I’m only focusing on Americans because I am one, and somebody always gets a bit unhappy  when I analyze the laowai as one group. 

The ugly American comes to China and you guessed it, expects everyone to speak English.  Especially the taxi driver.   (Can’t you speak English!) He goes to laowai pubs and hits on Chinese women when her boyfriend(me) is in the Gent’s Room.   The ugly American is loud, and quite frankly, just won’t shut the fuck up.  

He see’s a pretty woman on the street and chases her down, thinking all he has to do is say “I’m from America” and she’ll give him her number.  

The ugly American hits on a woman(in English) two nanoseconds after she’s walked into the club.   This ugly male will undress any woman with his eyes in a club, making her forever feel we are all here just to get laid, and nothing else. However he is sly, and careful enough  NOT to buy her a drink.   

 This animal even invites via cell phone someone he instantly sees on the subway to be his QQ contact. 

The ugly American never learns Chinese characters because “I don’t need them, their useless, and their a bloody waste of time”.  

This person hits on his students(because he knows their the only one’s who won’t immediately tell him to piss off).    The ugly American comes to China, opens a factory and employs Chinese!(to his credit).   Than he spends 10 years running a factory through a translator, and has such good relations with his staff after ten whole years they hold him hostage!

The ugly American trashes his host country and never thinks he should just leave.  He comes to China on a business class ticket(biz trip of course)plays golf all day, KTV’s all night, then gets pissed when the factory drops the ball.  The ugly American’s favorite description of China is “backward ass country”.   Of course the factory he’s been dissing all year suddenly becomes his favorite when the cash envelopes start getting delivered to his hotel room.

The ugly American gets pissed(me) when he goes to a laowai pub and the waitress can’t understand 

his two favorites words “ vodka cranberry”.

The ugly American will agree with your factory to 30 day terms,  and than pay in 50 days…..well, because he can!

The American always gets upset when she can’t find a taxi to take her across the street and instead has to actually cross the pedestrian bridge herself to get to her location.  ( Don’t brush up against a Chinese and get the cuties! ) The ugly American likes to assume every taxi driver is a cheat when he winds up paying more than he expected, and when the taxi driver challenges him to explain which route he should’ve taken, the ugly American pretends he didn’t hear him and just leaves.

And finally….and there are more than a few….the ugly American thinks all Chinese women are gold diggers because she won’t accept him as he is, ie a teacher making 5000 rmb(or whatever) a month in Glitzy, badass Shanghai.

The Ugly Chinese

Has no problem driving a Porsche while paying his workers 1800 rmb a month.   When his workers fall ill or get hurt on the job his favorite phrase is 中国有人  or “China has plenty of people!”.     The ugly Chinese gives his workers toilets fit for an animal in a zoo, complete with rats, while reserving proper restrooms for Western customers, complete with a key for access.    The ugly Chinese makes sure the ventilation systems are in operation on the assembly line when customers are present(to prevent breathing in noxious fumes from soldering, etc), but promptly disables them when those pain in the ass customers leave.

The ugly Chinese’ favorite phrase is “China is still a developing country”, when it comes to justifying why he treats his workers so badly, or refuses to take steps to clean up his local environment.

The ugly Chinese crashes into a guy with his electric bicycle, looks around, sees that he’s actually knocked the guy’s child down instead……and keeps on truckin’.   Meanwhile, two ugly Chinese on bicycles knock each other down….get back up…stare at each other….and wordlessly peddle on.

The ugly Chinese stands in the middle of the subway door (or the elevator), and than gets on before the passengers get off.   The ugly Chinese stares at your Chinese girlfriend and assumes she’s a slut or she’s with you because you’re rich.   (The thought I just treat her better than you do her, rock in bed, and wash the dishes never occurs to you.) 

The ugly Chinese thinks all he needs to do is get a table with a chick and spend 5000 rmb in a club and she’ll go home with him.   The ugly Chinese female doesn’t give a guy the time of day until she belatedly realizes “is that an X6!”, and than agrees he can drive her home after all.  And take her to a movie, and take her to dinner. 

The ugly Chinese gambles away his car, his apartment….everything but his wife. 

The ugly Chinese is ignorant and just wants all foreigners to leave.  ( Just keep your factories open so I’ll still have a job.)    The ugly Chinese doesn’t pay income tax, gets his wealth through corrupt means that invariably means depriving some less connected fellow of something, than drives his Maserati as if he’s somebody. 

The ugly Chinese takes that wealth, immigrates to America via Canada, buys a $2 million house, and upon being asked what he does for a living simply replies “I’m in business”.    Than he eventually goes back to China when he realizes “how difficult” it is to do business in the States’.

The ugly Chinese restaurant has no problem charging you 300 rmb for a simple meal…just don’t forget  those napkins you received are 2 rmb, and no their not free.   Nor is the tea(the tea leaves of which I recycle all day long), and no you cannot have a fapiao!(nor will I give you 10% off for not having a fapiao)  But I will give you some after dinner oranges that I nickel and dimed from some poor peasant farmer who hasn’t eaten a bowl of rice in two days.

And finally….the ugly Chinese fails to notice the irony of his own actions when he curses out the laowai for repeating about his homeland what he himself says all the time.  Causing him to foam at the mouth and hack every laowai website he disagrees with.   Intolerance can be so addictive.