Steps for deciding which Chinese girl to marry.

 I know we can't choose who we fall in love with, but if we could....... 

 A few words for the wise.

I’ve been married to my wife now for 20 very much up and down years.   Here is my unsolicited advice for how to choose a Chinese wife.  A lot of it universal, perhaps.

Don’t marry your first Chinese girlfriend.  When I met my wife, I was already sexually casually involved with 3 women.  Including my teacher.  The year was 1990.  I could’ve married any of those, but at the tender young age of 23, I really wasn’t ready for such a step.   One needs to know a bit abt the other species, esp if it’s from such a different culture. 

And in the same vein…..don’t let yourself be her first boyfriend!   There is nothing worse than having an immature, inexperienced wife, unless the same can be said for her bf.   This is especially imp because one cannot in China count on the M&L teaching their daughter very much about either sex or men.   So it’s best that  your future wife have a bit of experience first.  Let someone else be the guinea pig.

Stay away from single siblings.  That is, if your gf is a single child, it’s ok to date I guess, but  be leary of marriage.  They are simply too spoiled.   Both sets of grandparents dote on them, and quite honestly, their level of discipline isn’t very high.   Now these types of girls are very confident, and are used to getting their way.   They’ll argue with anybody.  Mine once argued with a traffic cop who gave her a 15 yuan fine for riding her bike while carrying a passenger. 

This may sound counterintuitive, but do not marry a rich girl.  Especially, if you are not from a wealthy background yourself.  Even if you have money, it’s better to marry someone who is not used to having any.    This can work both ways.  That is, I’d also recommend a wealthy girl looking for a husband to not marry a man from a wealthy background.  (My assumption here is that either spouse despite their background now has a good steady job, with some coin in the bank, but that did not grow up wealthy.)

I find the Chinese simple minded on the above.  That is, “he’s loaded, so you should marry him”, or “his family has money”, etc.   What’s more important is not what he has now, but what he was raised with. That is, they never take into consideration the road the person has travelled to get where he is.  The harder the road, the better the mate.  That’s my belief.  Which leads me to….

Marry someone who hasn’t had an easy life.  Don’t marry someone who hasn’t faced any hardships along the road they have travelled.   Now I admit, perhaps hardship is relative to some.   But I’m a strong believer that the more obstacles overcome, the more mature the person.  In short, marrying a wealthy, single child, whose ne’er had a difficult day in her life(like I did!) is a certain road to disaster.  Try and get at least 2 of the above 3 if you can. 

I struggled a bit with this, but in the end, for sake of conversation, and worldly knowledge, I’d recommend marrying a college graduate if at all possible.    With age, and the fact I have my own biz, I’ve somewhat begun to deemphasize the importance of a degree.    I find in China, that those without the above are far more entrepreneurial, and less judgmental about ones background.   They are also willing to take more risk, and are less concerned with comparing themselves with their friends on the material side of things.  
Yet, I do need someone to talk to, and education is important to me.

Employment….ideally your wife will have a job, and a steady job at that.  She will have demonstrated herself to be very competent and capable.   But if she rises at 11 and plays mahjong until 2am, never consider her a potential wife.  Find someone who works hard for a living.  A focused wife is far better than an unfocused candidate.

If you like long hair, like most of us do… forewarned!   She will cut it as soon as she’s married.  And you will not be happy!

The Mother in Law….is your gf a “yes” daughter or a “no” daughter?  Because your future M&L will just like mine, be a know it all.  She’ll eventually move in with you, or spend a lot of time in your future home, and will continue her “know it all” ways.   When that happens, how will your wife react?  Will she stand up to Mom?  More to point, if the M&L tries to overrule the “Man of the House”(that’s you genius), whose side will your wife take?  This is something one rarely hears discussed, and is on my “post list”.   The  Chinese M&L is not deferential in the least to the son in law, as she considers your house just an extension of her kingdom. 

When there is conflict, will your wife take your side, or hers?  If she takes her Mom’s side, than you’ve just been relegated to a mere house guest.   Don’t forget to keep paying the mortgage though.

Now comes the most important thing that the husband must have, rather than the wife.   Money.

A man that marries a woman without it is a dead man walking.   There is no romanticism involved when it comes down to her choosing a mate.   You need to have a good setup.  She’s not a Western girl.  She won’t spout any of those Western lines such as “love will keep us together”, or “we’ll find a way”.   You need to have a PLAN, man.   They are very realistic about this.  The more you make, the more face they have.  And the less her family’s opposition will be.   With my generation, I admit, it was more about the simple chance to go abroad.   Today she doesn’t need you for that.  

I'm not saying one should be wealthy, and I am cognizant of what I said earlier in the post.  But without any money, or a steady increase of such, your spousal arguments will steadily increase in nature.    


  1. I agree. The Chinese women is in love with money. Marry one and find out for yourself. Not much good at anything else in marriage.

  2. I am about to risk it. If the money and inlaw problem is too big, well, there is a big world outside China.

  3. Thanks, this helps because I am doing my risk assessment. Just embarked on a long term relationship that could lead to marriage, but I am in no rush, proceeding with much caution.

  4. Lived and dated in Taiwan but married a Filipina. A Chinese wife was a close second for me as a white guy even after living in Europe.

    "Stay away from single siblings." That is hard to avoid in China as most people born after 1980 are only children.

    The other advice is solid. An college educated woman is more well-rounded, may speak better English and can push your kids in school. A woman willing to work can help out on household expenses and less bored especially before kids are born and after they begin school. For me, the ability to speak English is important in the long run as learning a foreign language isn't easy for a lot of people so don't expect her to become fluent if she speaks no English as a baseline and it helps to avoid misunderstandings that will come up.

    "You need to have a PLAN, man. They are very realistic about this. The more you make, the more face they have. And the less her family’s opposition will be." The Chinese are practical know money makes life easier. You don't need to be wealthy but you need to afford the basic American dream of a house, car(s), support kids for college, money for a vacation and enough money to support your wife's needs and hopefully you don't end up with a compulsive shopper.

    You should get less flak from marrying a woman over 30 because their family might think she was doomed to become an "old maid". It's also a medical fact that fertility drops faster after age 35 in women so take that into account if you want kids.

    If you don't live in China or Taiwan, at least learn some basic Mandarin Chinese with some software or take a class to make things easier on yourself and gain some face.

    If you meet her online, you may want to tell her at some point that you're serious about marriage but may want to meet another woman while in China if you aren't 100% sure about her. She won't like it but it's a big decision and you don't want to marry without meeting another woman for comparison. Didn't do this myself but wonder if I made the right decision sometimes and know that once the woman starts controlling you from abroad it doesn't stop. It's your choice and it's easier to dump the wrong woman early on than go with your feelings and live with regrets later on.

    Unlike the States, an American man abroad can have a lot more appeal than he would at home. I bombed with American online dating as plain to attractive American women are swamped with guys with 60/40 men to women ratio. Overseas dating online I had 400 women contact me in 6 months. Most of those online guys will never go overseas to meet a woman so you're way ahead of the the guys who are are all talk no action.

  5. Just posted earlier. One more thing. Ask about health and family health history especially if you want to have kids with her. Parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. . .

  6. "You need to have a good setup. She’s not a Western girl."
    Are you kidding?? There is no creature on earth with the materialism of a western girl! Why do you think so many western men seen Asian wives/girlfriends?

    Regarding the mother-in-law, it is best to get that cleared up right at the onset before an emotional attachment gets in the way of clear thinking. If that is definitely unacceptable to you, let it be known right away regardless of the result. I for one do not take being bossed around in my home. My mother-in-law is a guest and nothing more.

    If your Chinese gf starts making demands, dump her. It's been my experience that it will only get worse. If you want a bossy wife, marry a western girl.

  7. I think most of us never come to China looking to get "married" just happens. I honestly believe a Chinese girl is far more materialistic than a Western girl....not even close.

    As regards the Mother in law, you are not going to meet the parents until your gf has decided to marry you, ie there is an emotional attachment already in place. If you meet the parents too soon, ie the first month of dating or what have you, than that means there could be an ulterior motive, or her parents are really open minded, and that's not gonna usu be the case.

    The longer you stay in China, the higher the odds there will be of you marrying a Chinese gf. You may dump the first one....or the second, etc....but S or L, you will meet one you want to marry. There are outstanding Chinese ladies out there, by the way. I just believe they are usu the older ones. Over 30, a bit jaded, and thus less demanding. They just want "love".

  8. I just feel Chinese women to be wierd and extremely desprate. I purely hate how they treat their own men. Chinese have a nature of going for what THEY want regardless. The men I've seen marry Chinese women don't seem happy ever. And they're clumsy in bed

  9. Just do not get married to a Chinese girl/woman at all !
    I did and I regret it,really regret it.
    If you ask me they are all oversensitive and sneaky snakes.
    If you read this and you are in a relationship already,think twice before you take the big step.
    I guess that if you really want to get married to one,find one that is 35 plus and is loaded.

  10. I love Chinese woman! Give me all of them to marry

  11. I am talking to a chines lady who is 29 and college educated. She is the only child but unfortunately her mother died when she was only 8 and has been raised by her dad. She also caught her boyfriend cheating on her. I think she has had some hardship in her life and seems very responsible and grounded. I am not rich but work hard for a living and I am considering taking our relationship to the next level by visiting her and meeting her dad dad. Can you give me any advice?

  12. I am 54 yrs old, I met a Chinese woman she is 56 her parents are gone, she has two grown up children both with good jobs, and has one wonderful grand child, we met in the USA and lived together for two months then she had to go back to china because her visa expired, so I went to visit her there on April 18 2014 for 2 weeks. I come to find out she owns 4 homes there is retired and is very wealthy. she treats me like a king! she is awesome in bed! and she buys me anything I need. we are getting married soon I hope. we are filing K-1 now. these are happy times for both of us. I love Chinese woman.

  13. I just put up a post as regards the mid aged China lady. Good timing for me to see your comment.

  14. Stop being so emotional and sensitive. No one is even thinking about you since you're American. The topic is about Chinese women born and raised in China not American women whose ancestry is from China. You're worlds apart even if you're raised in a hybrid culture regarding your family life. You're considered a foreigner by native born Chinese so stop overly sympathizing with these women since they don't represent you.

    Plus the intended audience is for men. Since you're a woman your overly emotional rant is understood but not warranted. Because of your reactionary nature and female mind you won't understand the spirit of what this man is saying. Us men understand him perfectly. Next time before just reacting take some time and calm yourself so you can think logically. If not please refrain from commenting.

  15. I am not being overly emotional. I am stating the truth. I would never tell a native born Chinese woman how to marry a Western man. That would be equivalent as offensive to me as this post. Again, treating a person as an object. You misunderstood the point of my post. The whole point is people are not objects. And we are clearly all different from one a other. So generalizing how to marry a Chinese woman, sad.

  16. Also, adding to what you said, I am worlds apart from them. But that doesn't mean that I don't retain values as a person. Atleast men here should take it from a woman to know what we think of a situation like this...if they knew what you were up to, they wouldn't be too happy. There are other ways to go around finding a suitable wife in a proper manner. Sure. Marry a Chinese woman. But don't do it like this.

  17. You can stereotype any women from any cultural background. I think this post is posting from an very ignorant point of view as the author did not try or has the ability to fully love his other half (including her culture differences). Having sex casually maybe viewed as a slut, being self-centred is a global trend (this post is a perfect example), and money.....who doesn't love money? They are at least honest about it.

  18. I hung around with a chinese girl for two years, she is from Shanghai and an only child , 28 when I met her now she is 31. Really I try to think of her in a fond way but in reality she is one of the most selfish self centered cold and hard presons I have ever met, would tell me anything to get what she wanted usually to borrow money, as soon as she knew she was going to be able to get her visa without me treated me badley dumped me, Never marry or date a Shanghai princess, Many decent chinese warned me of her traits but as they say love is blind. So I do feel sorry for her in the future ~ sheng nu she ma become if she is not already one ~ so take care if you do date a Chinese girl and dont let love blinde you to her reallity,

  19. A giggle before bed is always good! ;) ... Btw, I love China girls, best wee women ever (the ladies I know anyway) good post mate.

  20. I'm actually dating a Chinese girl and some of what you've said is true. She's a single child though she's been living overseas for the past 12 years. She comes from a relatively well off family but she's also a college graduate who makes pretty good income. Despite this, she still has the tendency to argue with people regularly which pisses me off to no end. She would just snap at random people if she feels they have offended her. She's also rather possessive, jealous and controlling.

    She started talking about marriage and having kids 3 weeks into the relationship but that would probably be because her biological clock is ticking. I love her a lot but at times I'm not sure if I can continue coping with some her negative aspects.

  21. Think she's bad now wait until marriage. What if she decides to argue with your mother? Or sibling? Once you are married she'll only get worse. Than her parents will move in. The key is not to take her too seriously. Sounds like the breakup will be hard....and bitter. She'll be fine though. Trust me. If she is pretty, some other laowai will be charmed in no time, and if she has money, there are plenty of Chinese men that will put up with her. They key is don't feel sorry for her. You'll actually be the angry one once you see how quickly she has rebounded into somebody elses lap.

  22. Sorry but read your post again.....
    Do you see any other posts here with CAPITAL letters....this is called SHOUTING.
    Do you see any other posts dropping the "F-bomb"?.....nope, but you did it twice. (Classy BTW)
    So yes, you are being over emotional, if you don't like what's written don't read it....


  24. Did you honestly have a sexual relationship with a chinese teacher in China in 1990? I thought the Chinese people at that time were extremely conservative

  25. Yeah, I did. She was a Fudan graduate to boot. She was my Chinese teacher in University.

  26. A lot of these things can be said about Western people. Like the women here, they look for guys with money. If you are poor dude, you aren't getting any for a relationship. Women don't like men who don't have experience, both in dating and sex ("you should have had sex by now or dated someone by now, you must be a loser since you didn't"). Men apparently have to have a college degree unless they make really good money without one. Speaking of making money, the man has to have a good job! Working at a restaurant or Wal-Mart or a grocery store or a retailer is a one way ticket to living alone forever for a guy unless you found a chick before you got that job. Looks matter, but money matters more. "All guys care about are looks and all women care about is money" is pretty accurate.

    In case you couldn't tell I never had sex before (not by choice, either), but I am talking to a Chinese girl right now.

  27. Stereotypes exist for a reason. There are enough women who are like this to make the stereotype even exist. For example, of course there are young male African Americans who don't listen to hip hop or rap; I just never met one in my life before and all media/stores I read about have them liking hip hop or rap.

    And to the original poster, your views would probably be different if you were raised in China instead of the United States. You were born in the United States, so you are western already, regardless of how you grew up or were raised. No matter what though, for the women who are in China and were born there, marrying at a young age like before 27 and finding a boyfriend who has money are important. That isn't to say that American women are like that too, because financial stability is more important than love, which is funny since it makes marriage seem more of a business than... love.

  28. Yes, yes and yes....but some societies do emphasize $ more than others. As my life is wrapped around China, or perhaps that sino python is wrapped around me, I choose to focus on the above.

  29. Compatibility and happiness(semi love?) becomes more important than either as one ages...

  30. Marry a Chinese woman with daughters. Beginning with the honeymoon, have sex with all of them for two weeks. After they are all pregnant - enjoy life - your the boss, the father and their savior.

  31. Thanks 4 info. Man. Nice article

  32. This is very useful post for all who wants to date chinese girls. It really helpful to choose a right life partner. Thanks for this post and keep sharing. :)

  33. Omg...i wish i had seen this post earlier. This is so accurate it's insane. #relatable

  34. ...And what is it with Fletcher only making comments on new years day?...i am on this post now because i'm bitter.

    1. Oh? Why so bitter? Sorry for the late reply, issues with the inlaws slowing me down....

  35. That ABC girl got worked up because she thinks we treat women - Chinese women in this context, as objects. As a matter of fact I believe what binds us all to posts like this is a genuine passion to understand our Chinese female counterparts. As men we have innate tendencies to work things out and fix things that, clearly, bothers us. The cultural differences and the family pressures are unlike anything I have experienced, so much so that westernised Chinese like myself who has little to no Princess-Syndrome exposure just cannot fathom. I recently married a pure Chinese girl, I can testify that this blog has sensible and legitimate claims. The cautionary tales are not to be underestimated. And the in-laws you will definitely be no match for because if you are poor/working class joe you will be compared to their rich circle of friends and neighbours. You will have no help and the backwards mindset is that YOUR parents are expected to sell their own assets just to fund your marriage...because apparently that's 'tradition' that the grooms side pays all of the extravagant wedding. You are definitely marrying into a family, not just the girl you fall in love with. If it's one or two Chinese girl...fine. But when all her friends shares that same backwards attitude, you've got to think to yourself this is not something you can change. It is a vastly collective culture where the assumed opinion of your neighbours is above your own feelings.

  36. Yep....well put. I've just published a post on the inlaws "Little Deuce", as well as on money comparisons, pls do find the time and comment should you think it appropriate. If I were single I'd be much more judgemental and less tolerant towards these types of Chinese female attitudes.

  37. It seems most laowais often have the misfortune of meeting or hooking up with "KTV" or "Club/bar" girls.
    But what about "office/teacher/principal" girls, in their early 20s, that occasionally go to bars or KTV, social smoke, drink and party with their office/young teacher colleagues, and ocassional dating other guys while still seeing one dedicated guy from time to time. Is that typical "womanly behavior"? Or is that an "age phase" in their life which they will probably outgrow when they date more men, meet new friends? As they grow older become less "wild"? Behavior of this type sounds "sluttish/whorish" to me. I've never encountered such "office/teacher/principal" young girls until I've got to Chongqing. Sorry, dating girls in Guangzhou and Shanghai seemed more "grown-up" than dating here in Chongqing/Sichuan.
    By the way, I'm an American male in my early 30s, and while I have really good friends that smoke, they are mature and we are respectful of each other. But what about younger female friends that are more forceful and wishy-washy in their behaviors, is that an early 20s Chinese girl thing? Girls from Sichuan or Chongqing especially (the girls I've known)? Just curious.
    Anyhow, the point is about these kind of Chinese girls behaviors and thinking at this age compared to older, more experienced/careered girls from same region or other regions of China. What do you think about this kind of behavior? Fun to date, but forget about any kind of romantic L-T relationship? Or still chance it, but risk "cheating" and "wishy washy behavior/thinking"?

  38. You were born and raised in America? I only ask because you brought it up. You don't write or sound like one.

    Back your's ironic that alot of Sichuan girls have left and moved to Shenzhen. Or Guangzhou, etc.

    While I know of no Laowai that have hooked up with KTV girls unless they've paid to do so, I know plenty that have hooked up with girls from clubs. And that's ok. Girls need to have a good time too, and going to a club should not label or badge them in any negative way, unless they use a guy and his money just to enjoy themselves. Which more than a few Chinese girls to.

    I don't think a girl needs to be committed to one guy. At least not until both sides agree to do so. A girl should be free to "shop around" without being called slutty.

    I saw one beautiful girl in the same restaurant two days in a row, obviously on a date, with two different laowai once. Just because a guy asks a girl out doesn't mean the girl should right away start turning down other dudes for dates.

    As women grow older, they do "settle down", ie they become less demanding towards the opposite sex. They simply seek companionship, by which they hope to find happiness.

    I've heard the clubs in Sichuan are pretty nice. I've never lived there. I think the girls in Guangzhou are more sophisticated simply because of the pace of life. I mean, they have to be, right?

    You ask about Chinese girls in their 20's being more "forceful" and I'd say "yeah", but they are all that way, regardless of their nationality. But esp in China. They are simply too overwhelmed by Chinese guys throwing themselves at them. With such a dating environment why would a Chinese woman change her ways?

    You are looking for a girl that will date only you right? Show some confidence, and develop some swagger. I can tell you lack both. I can't change your personality. But if you are a momma's boy in China, you are in deep shit. Chinese women don't want that. If you have blue eyes your job will be infinitely easier.

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