Steps for deciding which Chinese girl to marry.

 I know we can't choose who we fall in love with, but if we could....... 

 A few words for the wise.

I’ve been married to my wife now for 20 very much up and down years.   Here is my unsolicited advice for how to choose a Chinese wife.  A lot of it universal, perhaps.

Don’t marry your first Chinese girlfriend.  When I met my wife, I was already sexually casually involved with 3 women.  Including my teacher.  The year was 1990.  I could’ve married any of those, but at the tender young age of 23, I really wasn’t ready for such a step.   One needs to know a bit abt the other species, esp if it’s from such a different culture. 

And in the same vein…..don’t let yourself be her first boyfriend!   There is nothing worse than having an immature, inexperienced wife, unless the same can be said for her bf.   This is especially imp because one cannot in China count on the M&L teaching their daughter very much about either sex or men.   So it’s best that  your future wife have a bit of experience first.  Let someone else be the guinea pig.

Stay away from single siblings.  That is, if your gf is a single child, it’s ok to date I guess, but  be leary of marriage.  They are simply too spoiled.   Both sets of grandparents dote on them, and quite honestly, their level of discipline isn’t very high.   Now these types of girls are very confident, and are used to getting their way.   They’ll argue with anybody.  Mine once argued with a traffic cop who gave her a 15 yuan fine for riding her bike while carrying a passenger. 

This may sound counterintuitive, but do not marry a rich girl.  Especially, if you are not from a wealthy background yourself.  Even if you have money, it’s better to marry someone who is not used to having any.    This can work both ways.  That is, I’d also recommend a wealthy girl looking for a husband to not marry a man from a wealthy background.  (My assumption here is that either spouse despite their background now has a good steady job, with some coin in the bank, but that did not grow up wealthy.)

I find the Chinese simple minded on the above.  That is, “he’s loaded, so you should marry him”, or “his family has money”, etc.   What’s more important is not what he has now, but what he was raised with. That is, they never take into consideration the road the person has travelled to get where he is.  The harder the road, the better the mate.  That’s my belief.  Which leads me to….

Marry someone who hasn’t had an easy life.  Don’t marry someone who hasn’t faced any hardships along the road they have travelled.   Now I admit, perhaps hardship is relative to some.   But I’m a strong believer that the more obstacles overcome, the more mature the person.  In short, marrying a wealthy, single child, whose ne’er had a difficult day in her life(like I did!) is a certain road to disaster.  Try and get at least 2 of the above 3 if you can. 

I struggled a bit with this, but in the end, for sake of conversation, and worldly knowledge, I’d recommend marrying a college graduate if at all possible.    With age, and the fact I have my own biz, I’ve somewhat begun to deemphasize the importance of a degree.    I find in China, that those without the above are far more entrepreneurial, and less judgmental about ones background.   They are also willing to take more risk, and are less concerned with comparing themselves with their friends on the material side of things.  

Yet, I do need someone to talk to, and education is important to me.

Employment….ideally your wife will have a job, and a steady job at that.  She will have demonstrated herself to be very competent and capable.   But if she rises at 11 and plays mahjong until 2am, never consider her a potential wife.  Find someone who works hard for a living.  A focused wife is far better than an unfocused candidate.

If you like long hair, like most of us do…..be forewarned!   She will cut it as soon as she’s married.  And you will not be happy!

The Mother in Law….is your gf a “yes” daughter or a “no” daughter?  Because your future M&L will just like mine, be a know it all.  She’ll eventually move in with you, or spend a lot of time in your future home, and will continue her “know it all” ways.   When that happens, how will your wife react?  Will she stand up to Mom?  More to point, if the M&L tries to overrule the “Man of the House”(that’s you genius), whose side will your wife take?  This is something one rarely hears discussed, and is on my “post list”.   The  Chinese M&L is not deferential in the least to the son in law, as she considers your house just an extension of her kingdom. 

When there is conflict, will your wife take your side, or hers?  If she takes her Mom’s side, than you’ve just been relegated to a mere house guest.   Don’t forget to keep paying the mortgage though.

Now comes the most important thing that the husband must have, rather than the wife.   Money.

A man that marries a woman without it is a dead man walking.   There is no romanticism involved when it comes down to her choosing a mate.   You need to have a good setup.  She’s not a Western girl.  She won’t spout any of those Western lines such as “love will keep us together”, or “we’ll find a way”.   You need to have a PLAN, man.   They are very realistic about this.  The more you make, the more face they have.  And the less her family’s opposition will be.   With my generation, I admit, it was more about the simple chance to go abroad.   Today she doesn’t need you for that.  

I'm not saying one should be wealthy, and I am cognizant of what I said earlier in the post.  But without any money, or a steady increase of such, your spousal arguments will steadily increase in nature.