My take on the Tigermom....Part 1

My thoughts on the Tiger mom Part 1.  

Let’s talk Tiger moms.   I’m probably joining this conversation a bit late, but I continue to see it on a daily basis, all around me.  The role the mother performs within the Chinese family in America is extremely important.  There are different aspects of this  phenomena.  Let’s break it down:

Prestige

 Without question the main factor driving Tigermoms to the extremes they are known for is prestige.  That’s a nice way to put it.  The mean way to put it is that MOM does it for FACE, pure and simple, and can care less about the kids themselves.  All the same, if the kid doesn’t perform to expectations, other housewives will think the child has an uncaring unattentive mom. 

If the child fares poorly on an exam, it’s mom fault.   If the child performs poorly in anything, it’s mom’s fault.  So culturally speaking, there is pressure to succeed.   Rarely if ever, do I see an educated mom step back and say, “no, I won’t do this”.  In fact, I haven’t seen that yet.

No one wants a child that doesn’t get accepted into an advanced class.  No one wants a child that doesn’t  play piano.(I’ve recently heard that the Ivy League doesn’t even look at this anymore, it is so commonplace). 

The local Chinese community where I live when not back in China is very close knit.  The local weekend Chinese school is the conduit for maintaining relationships.   I find that the mom’s with school children in my kids school district are almost all in their late 30’s, early 40’s.  They are all very well educated.  However, their tactics in my view certainly do not reflect their education. 

Each Ivy League school will probably only take 1 child from our local high school, which is the best in the state. Thus the academic career of the child is planned out meticulously by the mom.  The father has very little participation in this process.  I’m not saying he’s absent, but the social contract is he works his butt off and maintains the income, and mom does the rest. 

Relax, their not competing against your kids.

Breathe a sigh of relief, you say?  Not so fast, my friend.  The reason the above is true is because they look down upon Americans, and their ability to raise their kids.  The Tigermoms are very condenscending towards the average American household.  Read nonChinese.  Tigermoms strongly disapprove of how “we” raise our kids.

  I find there is some credence to this mentality:

·         First of all, we do let our kids watch too much TV.   When I was a kid, I probably watched 4-5 hrs of TV per night, starting from when I got home from school.  (And you know you watched just as much as I did.)   Even when I “discovered” books in 3^rd grade I still watched my share. 

 TV has definitely deadened our senses.   We now only allow our kids to watch TV Friday’s after school.   TV is an excuse for tired, lazy parents to veg out.  But give the TIgermom credit.  Her energy is infinite, and so is her focus.  Again, this is driven by the hunger to “not lose face”, and by the personal prestige she gains from seeing her child “succeed”.    The husband also wins.

·         The same can be said about video games.

·         We don’t put as much effort into time management.  (See above.)  That is, we allow the child to dictate their daily after school schedule.     That is, after school activities have to be culturally acceptable to Chinese Tigermom.

Want to join girl scouts?  Too bad.

Want to learn piano or violin, along with every other Chinese kid?  Good!

Ballet?  Absolutely.

Want to join the basketball team?   Dream on!

However, sometimes the Chinese tigermom is just overboard. 

·         Kids can’t play sports.   Sports take away from studying.   There is practice.  There are tournaments to attend.    Time simply can’t be spared.   While I agree with the Tigermom in terms of time,  the child loses an invaluable opportunity to assimilate.  More on this later.   If I had a son, I could almost imagine the friction in my household should my wife find out my son is going out for football.

·         Circle of friends is closely monitored..ie you can’t have any American friends.   At least you can’t bring any home.   (Why not?  Don’t you know local American kids are a bad influence!  They will dumb you down, and before you know it, you will want me to paint your nails and pierce your ears.) 

All of our fellow parents kids friends are almost exclusively Chinese.   This hurts the development of the child.  More on this later.

Maybe in this arena the dad should put his foot down.   Doesn’t happen.   You see, Dad has his own problems.(see my post on assimilating).   Dad’s still trying to maneuver his way around the ofc.   He’s busy.  I have one friend who absolutely has to have a shot of Scotch once he returns home from work, he is so stressed out. 

Thus poor old, dad allows mom her to handle almost all aspects of the kids life, in and out of school.   This works out well for dad, you see,   because he also gets “buy in” from the wife.

The  kids are pushed to the limit.  Just like mine are.   Middle school math on weekends.  I like to think though that my family has an advantage because I have a strong personality and I sometimes find I have to push back against my wife’s methods.   This does cause friction.    However if the mother in law is staying with us, I’m quite frankly outnumbered, and I need twice the energy.   Recently I wanted to take my daughter for a walk around the subdivision.  

Couldn’t do it.  Those 10 minutes wasted couldn’t be spared. 

The Chinese compete against each other.

I read once where a columnist publicly pondered when it would end?  Once the Tigermom has conquered the natives, than what?  Well, he correctly mused, they simply have to turn on each other.  This is when the race to the top, to one of those top 2 or 3 slots within a graduating class gets fun. How so?  Because now they are competing with each other! 

Give the local Chinese population a lot of credit.  They’ve learned how to game the system.  That is, creating a resume for their child anyone would like.     

Grades?  Check

Volunteerism…..(kinda sorta) check. 

 Music….(”all my kids play piano!”)…..check…

Sports….(”get back to me….does badminton count?”)

The insane competition amongst the Chinese for those Ivy League slots has long ago become fratricide.

This trend will not cease anytime soon, because education by nature in China is competitive.  It’s culturally accepted to push your kid the way they do, if it means Harvard.    And for 1^st generation kids, whose world at home is encapsulated in Mandarin, and with their parents way of thinking, there is no resistance.