Dumb things the Laowai does in China

China  is a neurotic country.  It is constantly craving respect. Until it feels it has achieved this respect, it will be oversensitive to  outsiders.  A few of the below ref this. 

Driving in China

So you think driving in China makes you a baddass?  What the fancy subway isn’t good enough?  You don’t like crowds?

I know two laowai in Shenzhen that drive, and neither speaks a lick of Chinese.   I can’t figure out how they do it.   They must be very instinctive drivers.

I’ve always wondered what makes the conventional Westerner want to drive in China? I know in Shanghai you will have the diplomat driving around with diplomatic plates.  You realize it’s not on his insurance, right?  When I worked for GM in Shanghai our people would drive as well.  But it’s pretty easy to drive in Pudong when you are driving in from the airport. 

All in all, driving in China is a pretty dumb idea.   What if you get stopped by a cop?  How will you communicate?   Unless you are an offensive driver, have insurance, read the Chinese signs well, and have no problem getting cut off left and right take, than lower your stress level and just take the subway.   However, if you have a 1 million rmb and above car that will attract the babes, and don’t mind the above, knock yourself out. 

Otherwise driving in China is wayyyyyy more stress than it’s worth. 

Do drugs….

No lecture from me on drugs.    But if you have a professional life,  and actually have an allergy for jail, “just say no”.    What are the odds of getting caught?   Nil, you say?   If you, like me, depend upon China for your  financial and professional  well being,  stay the hell away from drugs.    Common sense you say?  Once I was in Guangzhou all of 30 minutes before getting the “you want hashish” question.  WTF? 

Do not study Chinese before they come here

No, having a Chinese gf before you come here does not count.   Why is it so many laowai can’t speak a fuck’s worth of Chinese before landing here?  It’s embarrassing.   Too many of us think China is like HKG.

No dumbass, the driver does not speak English.   No one expects you to speak like a diplomat, but at least make the effort to speak a liitle bit. 

Eat from the street stalls.

Yeah, I know when in Beijing, you gotta try the “swallow on a stick”.  I’m referring  to your ordinary, blocking the subway exit vendor .  Eating from the stall makes you feel “Chinese”, eh?  Makes you feel like a native?   How long is that tapeworm coming out of your ass? 

You know these folks have no insurance, or sense of liability, should you get food poisoning, right?  It’s buyer beware.   Everyday you read about how these peasants inject their watermelon, or put god knows what toxin in their food, to gain an edge.  Their fighting for their economic survival.   All the more reason to be buyer beware when buying from these guys.   Yeah, the odds are against you having a 26 inch tape worm.  Yeah, the Chinese eat it all the time.   Whatever.   These vendors cut every corner they can, and than claim the old “我没钱” whenever you have to throw up for 3 days, as a justification for what they do.  These places are filthy, and you have no idea where that cooking oil came from.

However, I do strongly recommend their garlic mushrooms…..

Board the subway with their backpacks on their back

Can you say pickpocket?

Culturally insensitive

Is the subway not crowded enough with you taking up the space of 3 people with your fancy backpack?  What, you think you are going off to bivouac?  Take it off before you board, and hold it.  Put it back on when you exit the train. 

Actually have a Western gf.

Unless your woman is Brooke Decker(she’s not), or Kate Upton you are insane.   Ok, if you’ve been here less than 5 minutes I’ll cut you some slack.   Gonna get laid by a girl half your age in England?  Is your name Beckham?   For right or wrong, we are considered exotic, and I will leave it up to you to figure out what to do next. 

And…..there is no sweeter revenge than seeing a Western woman alone at the bar wondering what to do with herself.  

(they hate us they do.  They think these Chinese girls are all sluts.   I say competition is a good thing, and has done wonders for my morale)

Get serious with the first Chinese gf you have

Very much related to the above.  By now, you are probably wondering what happened to all those high brow posts I usually put up?  Well, keep reading my man.   Wisdom can be found in dark corners of the alley as well. 

For godssakes don’t fall in love with your first Chinese gf.   Does anyone ever leave the bar after his first drink?   Same with the babes:  have yourself another!  

Now…I’m not saying be disrespectful.  I’m not saying have two on the line, but in this supermarket of infinite selection we call China, one must be prepared to shop at length.   Every nook and cranny must be visited. Your palate after much taste testing will indeed be satisfied, but it may not come until you’ve perused the final aisle.

PDA on the subway with your gf

This is a controversial stance on my part.  And I’m not discussing something as inane as holding hands.   Romance  is more fun when it’s subtle.   Mature relationships last longer.  You can go at it in the room.   Just don’t over do it on the subway.    It’s culturally inappropriate.    It breeds resentment.    And maybe I’m just at the age where I find overly public PDA immature, and not the least bit romantic.  You can mash somewhere else.   In the interim, the gleam in her eye when she is with you should be enough.