When China Wife wants a self criticism

 A very long time ago China Wife and I, along with her parents, went to Thailand on a group tour.  It was terrible.  Just terrible.  I remember a few things distinctly.  One being trips for the laowai versus trips for the Chinese are different.  I recall driving in my air conditioned bus along the beach in Phuket, enviously looking at the bars as we motored past, at all the laowai so freely lounging about, in the open air, not a care in the world,  with a drink in their hand.  

Now I'm older of course.  I can do that in America as well.  I do not rightly recall the beach, as I've been to so many, but one day towards sunset as I was walking along I saw a a tilted lawn chair, deep in the sand, as if it was listing.  It was listing, looking like at any moment it would collapse. A very old man sat in that chair.  The water coming up to his ankles.  He was snoring.   That's who I want to be.  

I've since seen other old men.  One just recently was in a chair, giving out candy canes at a stop sign a few days before Xmas.  Yet another just sat in the front yard all day, also in a lawn chair, waving back at those that waved first, as they drove by. 

But as for me, I want to be that old man on the beach, or that old man on the mountain.   I don't wanna be that old man sitting on a bench in a park, and I don't wanna be that old man walking from my daughters house to the strip mall and back, every damn day.  

The other recollection I have from Thailand was when we were buying soft drinks in paper cups in a dark shopping mall, I noticed the ice was artificially filling up our drinks.  I simply asked for a another drink, this time with no ice. 

The Thai lady poured the drink, and gave it to me two thirds full. 

Everything was business.  The silliness of it all.  The silliness of capitalism on a Chinese tour guided vacation.  

But we did another thing in Bangkok, the rite of passage all tourists "endure" in Thailand;  the sex show.  Yes, we all went to a sex show.  Including China Wife's parents.  We made sure to sit very far away from them.  I even broached to China Wife the judgment as to whether it was a good idea to have her parents tag along.  But they came(whoops) and sat in the middle right in front of the stage.  

What I saw was quite sad in a way.  People do tricks with their vagina, shooting darts out of them to pop balloons.  I even saw a very well endowed 17 year old( so they claimed) perfomer. 

But afterwards the China Father in Law was furious.  He complained bitterly to China Wife about how he was going to have to return to China and write a self criticism.  The gall of having to watch a show he attended voluntarily and hadn't left until the very end.  Terrible!

Another time, as I've mentioned deep, deep into the archives before was the time I called him while I was living in Hong Kong, and pretended to ask for "Lin Biao", the disgraced former successor to Mao that apparently attempted or was going to attempt a coup, and tried to flee to Russia as a result, only to crash and die during the escape. 

He didn't think my joke was funny, and in the end mentioned the State was possibly bugging his phone and that he would have to write a self criticism then too.  And he would have.  Without hesitation on both accounts, had written a thorough, totally self effacing "confession" on how his poor judgment had led him astray. 

So is anyone really going to be surprised when China Wife in turn demands I write a self criticism?  Seriously, when things go wrong in the Fontenot Clan, China Wife, in order for there to be peace in the valley, demands I deliver to her a written confession of my "bad deeds". 

If she only knew....

Now I admit I've lost my temper a few times, and not been the model human being I should be.  And we've had times when China Wife will choose to sleep alone rather than with me, in our big, warm bed.  And quite frankly, I don't miss her.  I keep my days quite full, thank you very much.  I read, I exercise, I write this blog, I am active on WeChat, etc.  

But sooner or later one of us must act the adult.  That is what I find so amusing with China couples.  The concept of Face precludes apology.  I find both husband and wife frequently act like children.  Temper tantrums left and right.  Thus the high divorce rate.  Again I will say China and America are quite alike.  Divorce at the drop of a hat being one of them.  

Recently I was tasked to pick up our daughter from a friends house.  That friend lives very near us, but it is a house I hadn't visited in over a year.  It was very dark, and all the houses on their street the same.  No tell tale signs were visible.   All cars were in the garage.  In vain I knocked on the neighbors house, and as they had a door camera and didn't know who the hell I was, didn't answer.   I wasn't even sure I was on the right street.  So like an idiot I went over to the next street and knocked on a door again, this time a family answered and said "no Chinese on these street". 

Problem was my daughter was to be in the doorway waiting for me.  She wasn't.  I dialed my daughter's cell phone nine times.  Nine times!  It was off.  I dialed my wife twice, but she was dying her hair.  I felt guilty disturbing my wife.  Finally, my daughter came out of the house and answered her cell and I lost my temper.  I was very ugly.  

Bottom line my wife decided for the umpteenth time what a jerk I am, and went into silent mode again.  No communication, no shared bed, and of course no sex.  For a week she wouldn't talk to me.  I really didn't mind that so much, but I felt bad for how I had reacted to my daughter, and of course apologized to her right away.   Turns out the house I was looking for was next to the house that didn't answer the door. 

Technology has really made America less civil. It has made us colder towards one another.  There is a famous serial killer in America from the 80's.  He was called the Night Stalker.  He always killed his victims inside their house, and his mode of entry was nearly ALWAYS through a unlocked door or open window.  That's right.  And this was in California of all places. 

Believe it or not, people used to sleep with unlocked doors.....or open windows.  Including myself growing up.   A few weeks ago during dinner my daughter heard the sound of the howling wind, and mentioned she liked it.  I told her I listened to the sound of this wind every night as a kid, as I always slept with the window open. 

Technology has made our homes a fortress.  In our subdivision the first thing many new Chinese do is buy a door camera.  It is a mentality many bring  with them from China.  ie the danger of being robbed.  Of course, many a non Chinese family also has these things.  China Wife has now stated to me she wants to buy one, and we probably will.  

But in America if the door rings and no one answers we answer it to see who it is.  A salesmen?  Sure.  Canvassing for a political election?  Ok.  

But unfortunately many a folk, like the ring on the phone;  if we don't know the person we won't answer. Period.  So I knocked on a door with a camera, the person didn't know who I was, and didn't answer and I therefore thus didn't find out the person I was looking for was next door.  

Am I blaming technology?  A little.  China Wife was beyond belief that I couldn't remember the house I'd been too over twenty times previously, had dinner at before, even though it was over a year since I'd last been there, was pitch black and all the damn houses looked the same.  Shame on me.  

Several times China Wife would hand me a paper and pen,

"Write down you are sorry for losing your temper and the next time you do so, you will agree to a divorce".  Or something like that. 

Many years ago I thought she was making a good joke and I laughed.  Then I realized she was serious, and alas my mood darkened.  Are all China Wives' from the 80's like this?  Is this how Chinese couples act today?  Or did China wife simply learn this habit from her high ranking father?

My reaction was quite simply, "fuck off".  "You write ME a self criticism."

Then I began to play around with it.  I would write things like,

"I apologize for not sexually satisfying my husband".  Silly things like that. 

She would grab the paper with a big look of self satisfaction on her face, like someone having climbed a mountain, or having bested a superior foe in combat, etc.   Oh spare me.

Then after several seconds elapsed and it sunk in to her what I had actually written she would ball it up and thrown it down on the floor in semi disgust.   Finally bringing out her ultimate weapon.  The weapon I had no defense for, that I had long anticipated her using:

"No sex until I get what I want". 

She may have just as well had said,

"No boring, once a week, mechanical sex, until......."

Many a man sees a lady with big breasts and just loses his mind.  Not me.  I've lived with a woman with large tits for many a decade.  Ain't no thing.   I'll see a Chinese woman use her breasts as a weapon, or any woman for that matter.  Sorry.  But I'm like the Playboy photographer.  I just don't get phased anymore folks.   "You may have a beautiful gun, but I know it's empty....".  You may have a fantastic house, but I know inside you sleep on the floor.

It's like a guy with a girlfriend that has a great ass.  Looks fantastic in jeans.  Others gawk and stare.  Not the boyfriend.  Why?  Simple?

"She takes her jeans off and the ass just sags".   He has insider knowledge folks. 

I'm sorry.  I probably come across to millennials as a poor example of what a person should be.  Just thank the Gods I'm not your boss(just joking).

So back to the self criticism.  Finally, I scribbled something down I knew she wouldn't be able to read.  She took it.  By this time a few weeks had gone by.  She was ready for peace.  She climbed into bed that night. Then just as I thought we were past this, she demanded I add another line to the note.  I muttered something insulting.   Then we had probably the best sex we'd had in awhile.  Made me feel good to see her "want" to make love.  She had missed me too.  Even China Wife needs a man once in awhile.

I know I may come across as intolerant.  But in the end, how many men can put up with a self criticism culture?  Chinese or Western?  Probably not too many?  And what does that say about the state of the marriage?  Too, too many things.  None of them good.