Husband of Tiger Mom issues a bill of rights

I have the right to shop for groceries where I see fit, without ridicule from you.  If I choose to shop at Wal-Mart and forego upper middle class Whole Foods that is my choice.   WM is cheap.  WF is not.   They both sell the same ketchup, right?  Besides,  "organic food" is sooooo overrated.  I have no problem mingling with “lower class” individuals, and a deal is a deal.  I wish you could get over your allergy to poor people.   It’s disgusting.  

I have the right to randomly assign summer homework to the children as I see fit, without either asking for your permission or having to explain to you what it is.  They are my blood, case closed.

Speaking of which, Husband of Tiger Mom has the right to "question" whether you are giving the children too much homework or not?  Especially during the summer.  No, your disdainful "look" will not intimidate me.  Your shrill 90 second rant challenging my right to ask this question will not shrink me.  Nor will your breathless insults of my family going back 3 generations cow me.  When the children start crying at their desks daddy tends to get the hint. 

I have the right to have a China Wife that will “do the right thing”.    

That means  R-E-C-Y-C-L-E…understand??  That means plastic goes over “here” and non-plastic over “there”.   This goes past “forgetting” to recycle.  This is a wanton “I want to destroy the earth” mentality you seem to share with all your Chinese brethren.  Well….if you were married to China Guy it wouldn’t be any of my business.   Except you are not married to China Guy so it is!    Please stop making me check the trash bin every night after dinner.

Many, many years ago I came up with the clever idea of letting YOU manage our financial accounts.  It was my way of just having you “go away”, and you know what?  It worked!  You became much less of a nag.   However, it is my right to see what we are saving, and to look at our accounts, whenever I see fit.  This tends to greatly upset you at times (gasp!), but I think you will live.

I have the right to sex.  Sex with my wife.   On a weekly basis, and more than once a week.   I have the right to oral sex.  (Yep, I said it)  You are lucky to be fucking a laowai…babe.   All your friends fantasize about me when they have sex with their husbands.  It’s just so.  It’s not my fault they married their college boyfriends and have only had sex with one guy.  Nor is it my fault the number of times they’ve probably actually had sex equals the number of children they have.(ok, maybe that’s not true)  Within our Chinese Community, quite frankly you get the best sex available.  Embrace it. Cherish it.  Thank me for it.

I have the right to loud sex.  Sorry if your mom is sleeping in the next room.  Can’t help myself.   Sex isn’t meant to be conducted in a museum.  I realize your parents don’t believe in sex after 25.   

Maybe I’ll keep the door open next time.

I have the right to not have to live with your parents, for more than several months at a time.  I am the first to say it is your mom and dad, and not I, that keep you in line.  I like that a lot.   I like a lot of things about them being here.    When they are here, dinner is served promptly at 530, and not 7.  They get to know their grandkids better.   I especially love the fact they prefer China to America.   

Still….I have the right NOT to have to fold your mothers laundry.  I’m talking about her military grade underwear.  It’s disgusting having to look at those things.  I didn’t sign up for this and I refuse to do it.

I have the right to hear you once in a while say you are wrong!  Once a blue moon if you please.  Some folks say Husbands and Wife’s shouldn’t have to say “sorry”…”I apologize”…..”I goofed”…well that’s bullshit.  I want to hear it!  A little less Pride if you please, goes a long way.   Try “mouthing” the words before the actual event.  You can also always practice before a mirror. 

I have the right as Husband of Tiger Mom to have my opinion taken as gospel.  I don’t need your first action being to “ask” your Chinese friends for advice.   How you think the Chinese community would know a good pizzeria better than I would is beyond me.    Oh but you think they do! 

Speaking of food, I have the right to cook dinner once in a while, MY WAY, without you asking seventy two questions about what it is, or how I cooked it.  It is your obligation as Wife of American Man to simply shut up and smile when I grill.   And eat it!  Ok? But I can tell you I will not add MSG and a can of salt to the meat.    Methinks we can do without doufu for a day, yes?  Rice, too.   Eating off my grill won’t kill you….I promise.   

I have the right to be entertained.   A movie sounds nice…..let’s go!  No, “Mr. Bean’s Greatest Action Scenes” is out of the question.  As I’ve left my twenties behind, so have I left Mr. Bean behind as well.  I’ve moved up in the world, dear.    I’m sorry action movies make you dizzy.  I’m sorry you didn’t like “The Hobbit”.    But you just gotta take one for the Team.  入乡随俗，right?

Look at your friends.  Look at those divorced, heading back to China to look for husbands.  This country is full of great, single men, Chinese and laowai.  Learn from your friends.  Learn from their failures.  Chinese men don’t want to marry a 40 something ok?   They don’t want maturity; rather they want a good fuck, ok?   They don’t want to discuss Xi Jinping’s corruption campaign, they want a blow job. You’re out of options babe.  Get with the program.   (This last paragraph just came out.  It has nothing to do with the post...hmm, I wonder why….)