Total War

(This post has taken an exceptionally long time to write because well, of the neverending material I have with which to use.  Much of it has only come with in the past few days. Unfortunately, it’s the gift I wish would stop giving.)

Often I have spoken of America and China in zero sum terms.  That is, what one gains is wholly at the expense of the other, with little if any middle ground.   There can be no “unconditional” surrender with China.   Because the days of beating the shit out of another country until it bleeds from every orifice of its body is over, long gone.   

Unconditional surrender between countries with nuclear weapons is obsolete.

But I’m not talking about China and America. 

Nope.

 

I’m speaking of China Wife and Husband of Tigermom.

We men come in two categories:  absolute wimp/pushover, or Man of Integrity and Honor that constantly fights a rearguard action, fighting the Good Fight while maintaining his sanity and Sense of Being.   But maintaining a balance between self respect and being utterly dominated by Tiger Wife is not easy. 

Mind you I am not speaking of all men who are married to China Wife.  No, I am not.  You see, not all China Wives are Tiger Moms.  Many are perfectly content letting their children go to a State School.   

This must be acknowledged.  But more likely I suspect they are simply secretly ashamed they themselves in their own world couldn’t muster the proper Chinese “drive or energy or focus” to keep their eye on the ball.   Yet still there are more than a few Tiger Mom’s out there.  Transformed into a creature neither known nor hinted at before the happy drama of children enter the scene.  

Nor am I speaking of Chinese Men.   They seem to be more comfortable with the role of cuckold husband.    Culturally imprisoned to their fate. 

Once married to China Wife it’s all good.   New house, sunny days, window shopping.   Meeting new people.  Watching cable TV together.   Fair amount of sex.  Only once kids come along does one get blindsided.  A dark shadow descends upon the land.  The ugly side of China Wife makes its first appearance.   The dark shadow stays.

First it’s cute when your child is learning ballet, or “that China dance” for local CNY celebrations.   Your child’s first couple of years on this Earth is nothing but a warmup lap to the big race.  Potty trained.  Day care at the local church.  If you are like us, your child may have very well have been sent back to The Motherland for a year or so as well.   Both of my kids spoke more Mandarin than English up until kindergarten.

Than as your child hits grade school the race kicks in.   Organized team sports are denied to the child because in America, organized team sports in this day and age mean practice every day and games on weekends, and well, my kid can’t have her focus taken away from the complexities of solving single digit math problems.  

So the mad dash begins.   It will not stop until college admission letters arrive.   In the interim there is much screaming….and shaming.   This is what China Wife is all about.  Yeah there can be a slap in the face, or on the arm.   But for Husband of Tigermom it is all a learning experience.  It is very much a “I can’t believe this is taking place” type of emotion.   It can be surreal.   

So I come back to the theme of this post: 

What does Husband of Tigermom do? 

I’ll get to the point:  I very much with all my fiber and blood disdain the “look away” type.  You are a Pussy.  A Wimp.   A disgrace to the rest of us.   Off with your head.

Except that many of them believe there is no shame in this.  They are the “it’s her job” types.  The kind of personality that is comfortable letting China Wife call the shots, curdling screams of children be damned.    I refuse to buy that Asian cliché “you take care of the job and me the kids”.    I’ve heard it ten thousand times.   My wife works, but I wash the dishes.   And I cook, too.   Roles have long since become immersed, with the unspoken goal being to give the kids as perfect a study environment as possible. 

(Am I guilty of repeating that oft told and many generation old “I used to walk to school barefoot in the snow” tall tale that my mother frequently employed on me?  Of course I am.  The only difference though is I as a child in all earnestness believed it while my kids just roll their eyes when I repeat it.)

I get it when Wimpy Husband of Tigermom says something like “I take the path of least resistance”, a smile feebly hanging on his face.    Well my retort to that would be “so do I”!  

I just don’t capitulate.  I don’t close the door, walk away and bury myself in miscellaneous thought.   

And therein perhaps lays the problem. 

Maybe I should.

Opposing Tigermom invites its own disastrous consequences.   Suddenly a microscope is placed under my activities.   My methods of tutoring come under review.   Don’t have a problem with that?  When is the last time any of my native English readers have had a non-native English speaker challenge them on how to teach English pronunciation?    Many, many times I’ve (thank God) saved my daughter from embarrassment by reviewing her vocabulary words with her at night.  On more than a few occasions she has embarrassingly mispronounced several of the words…..simply because her mom didn’t know how to pronounce them herself. 

Rising up against Tigermom invites Total War.   My China Wife is entitled, stubborn, obstinate and if she doesn’t know the answer I’ll be the last person she asks for guidance.  Why is that?  Maybe because she would prefer to receive her answer from likeminded “scorched earth” Tiger Mom’s like herself. 

In this sense I’m proud to say I stand out.   I wish I could say I was of the “walk silently but carry a big stick” type but I’m not.    I don’t have a big stick. Rather I make it a point to steel my spine, take a breath and say what she doesn’t want to hear.  All in that time honored tradition of “doing the right thing”. 

“She can’t do well on other subjects if you force her to spend two hours a night on math.”

“She can’t perform well on another subject’s exam if you keep her busy on ‘your stuff’ all night.”

“Don’t lecture me on how to teach my child American History”.

“Humiliating our child and calling her stupid is not what a mother is supposed to do”.

“She’s not meant to play piano, anyone can see, stop trying to force the issue.”

And that time honored nuclear war provocation:

“This is about you and your Face.”

I’ve uttered the above so frequently my kids now offer it up to mom when they get upset.   However, 

I’ve since told them this is only something dad can say.

Now I have a new favorite phrase:

“Numbers don’t lie”.

Just recently we had the opportunity to apply to an elite program within my daughter’s already “elite” high school.   Wisely, we chose not to do so.  Why?  Because it’s a program outside the field of interest that my daughter has.  Simple. 

Well, a few months go by and wouldn’t you know it, all my wives friends children are in that program!  If only because it is the program with the highest GPA track.   That is, those who take that program will take the toughest classes and if they do well(they will, trust me) they will thus have the highest GPA’s in high school…..and get into the best colleges.   Thus, unless your child is in that particular academic program, your child will not have the opportunity to post a high class ranking.  

Completely forgetting that we as a family had readily agreed this particular program wasn’t a good fit for our daughter, China Wife comes home and for the next 30 minutes spews nothing buy venom at poor daughter.   Suddenly, she is dumb at math and lazy and just not cut out to be a human being.

Problem is my daughter got a 99 percentile in math on a recently taken national standardized exam.

My retort was simple……yep…..

“Humiliating our child and calling her stupid is not what a mother is supposed to do”.

And….

“Numbers don’t lie”.

Children do not understand that once words leave your tongue they are gone.   Forever.   Of course we teach them that, so it’s understood that when an adult acts the same way those words must be deliberate.  And mine are. 

So I get what I deserve. 

A long, shrill retort on how useless my family is, and it’s no wonder I am the way I am.   How am I possibly qualified to teach our kids anything?   That is, my class background utterly disqualifies me from any sort of qualification to teach our kids anything. 

This is what Total War brings about.   My Chinese Wife has no qualms about insulting “my family” to get her point across.   When logic fails, use emotion.  Speak your heart.   The hell with reason.   The goal of Tiger Mom is intimidation.  Her tools?  Brute noise and mindless insults.  But her favorite is good ole’ humiliation.  Go for the jugular. 

We Westerners when dealing with Chinese like to act with an enlightened sense of decorum.  (kinda like how Obama deals with Xi….how’s that working out?  Care to ask the Philippines?)  There is no spittle.  Nor do we hurl insults at Tigerwife’s ancestors.    We earnestly involve reason and logic.  But when kids are involved…well it is not easy to stay civilized.

If medals were given out to those having survived on the battlefield with Tigemom I would be a war weary yet heavily scarred hero.   People would seek me out for advice.   I’d be on youtube!

But I’m always curious when I come across a Tigermom.   If only for the type of husband she has.   Does he walk with a weary step?   Does a simple smile come slowly? Or does he find he has plenty of time to “catch up” on his reading now that China Wife takes care of things?    

To steal a phrase “do you have no sense of decency, Sir”?

One must be careful with Husband of Tigermom.  When hoping for honesty it is always best to keep your expectations low.  Quite frankly, many of these guys flat out “lie”.  

“How do you feel when your wife calls your kid a loser”?

“Huh”?  , he pretends…”what are you talking about?  My wife does no such thing.”

I should stop here and mention most Husbands of Tigermom do not speak Chinese.

Bring up verbal and emotional abuse with other guys married to Tiger mom can be a sensitive topic.   

So I do so indirectly.

“Is your wife as crazy as mine is?”

In the end I find most of the dads I meet feign either ignorance to what is going on or have just subconsciously blocked what is happening from their minds.    Or maybe I’m just ultra sensitive to this whole damn thing…..?

I call bullshit.

If you are actively involved you readily admit the struggle.  If not, you simply dissemble.

Either way, those with deeply lined foreheads give themselves away.  (Some of you walk with a limp.) That and the fact you down red wine at dinner parties as if tomorrow an asteroid will hit earth.    Those that are chatty, dancing around the kitchen smiling and flirting with everyone as if you just found out how rich your China Wife really is give yourselves away.  

So what is the reward for Husband of Tigermom?  Well, the loss is probably goodbye to an Ivy League school.  And to our Health.   We’ll probably die twenty years before Wimp Husband of Tigermom does.   Is that the price I have to pay for keeping my children normal?   Could be.  Hope not.