What Uncle Sam only wishes he could say....but never will

(As natural frustrations between two influential nations comes to the fore, things remain left unsaid, in the name of maintaining harmony.  Below are a few, from the point of view of America towards of course The Middle Kingdom.  But methinks any Western nation would suffice.)

Ban all Chinese students from going to Harvard…or Yale….or Stanford….or any prestigious school period.  Face it, it’s much easier for you to prepare a college admissions essay than it is for one of my own citizens.  

The definition of Liberalism is when I treat a foreigner better than I do my own people.  When I give more opportunity to YOU, then I do to someone born HERE.  (You’re welcome)

My Young, American, aspiring to be, Ivy Leaguers can’t “fake” an admissions essay, or a transcript, or most damning of all, even a letter of recommendation.   I know plenty of kids that get near perfect SAT scores here in America, along with a high GPA, who can’t get into an Ivy League school because their community service and such isn’t “strong enough”.    Being “well rounded” only applies to American student applicants, sure as hell not to Chinese applicants.   Than your suddenly self important parents that think they’ve actually accomplished something when a liberal American school gives your child admission writes a book and make a fortune explaining “how they did it”:

“Remember, your daughter must hold the ice cubes in her hands until they melt.  She cannot scream out.  This builds mental toughness.  Your son must do his homework in the kitchen during dinner time, surrounded by the smell of grease and the clanging of pots.  This builds focus. “

Oh shut the fuck up.

The only reason I even let you into Harvard you cheating bastard is because of a thing called “diversity”.  That way some kid from Idaho can see what a Chinese looks like.  My thinking was he would learn something from you as a classmate.  You know, 交流。If I’d known you would you come here, speak Chinese all damn day, cook rice in  your dorm room, and suddenly pretend to not speak English(I think you were pretending), and ONLY talk to other Chinese all day….well, I would’ve changed my mind. 

But I will admit.  You’ve done quite well taking advantage of an “enlightened” system.   We’ll talk how you reciprocate in your own enlightened way in a moment.

China now buys more oil from the Persian Gulf than America.  That is a fantastic reflection of China’s continued economic growth, bringing hundreds of millions into the middle class.  If only you would let your China Shopper buy something from me once in awhile.    Your obsession with stockpiling all the foreign currency that comes into your country is….funny, if not so sad. There is no quicker way for the average citizen in China to gain the attention of the government than to have foreign currency enter his/her bank account.

A Chinese who actually has a foreign deposit enter his account gets contacted more quickly by the government than a thief does arrested.

You see, China makes it so hard to even obtain foreign currency for the average citizen, that they are forced to dump their own Chinese savings in…..real estate. 

Well, guess what I’m gonna do?  No…really…guess?  I’m gonna close the Persian Gulf to all shipping heading to China.   Why, you ask?  Because I fucking can, that’s why.   Your Navy is so near the Philippines, a Filipino can give you the finger and you can see it without using binoculars.  You don’t even have the technology to attain what you want!  Too bad you forgot about the slightly more important Persian Gulf.   You see, there are so many ways I can fuck you.   And I’ll choose this particular method, bitch.

Ban all imports from China.

 “WTF?”, you ask??  “WTF, what?”, I reply.

I have a $316 billion trade deficit with China.  However, US companies in China ship back to America $234 billion every year.   It’s all semantics, right?

Except the people here in America that used to build the product for those $200 billion worth of goods are…..gone.
So by banning imports from China who do I shortchange?  Well, Christ, who’s left to shortchange in this country?  Anybody?

Big Business, you ask?  Ditto. 

That will destroy the US Economy you say?

Don’t care.

Whose gonna get hurt?  China has already wiped out the American middle class.  Who is left to impact this time? 

The bottom 99% of my society have nothing left.  Only the top 1% have anything to brag about.
So my socks from Wal-Mart go up a quarter.(ok, maybe more)

I can survive that.

Vietnam and Mexico would love to make my socks.

Now it’s time to talk how enlightened China is. 

Let’s talk some Panda.

Seriously, for the love of zoologists everywhere, what country “loans” out animals?   What nation says to another,

“I want my Panda back!”.

A bit….silly, isn’t it? 

Well guess what Mr. Heavenly Kingdom…..I’m keeping my Panda’s.

You say you can take better care of them.   Well, forgive me, but I’d like to kinda take back any benefit of the doubt I’d ever given you in the past.   We have mountains, too.  We have entire National Parks the size of countries.  No human existence allowed!   All we need to do is plant a little bamboo….problem solved!!!

Like the guy after a dinner party who wants to take back his already opened, half drank bottle of wine, I and all my people snicker at you.    I take in 300,000 Chinese students within my borders, and you make me give back  15 pandas?  (Seriously, dude?)

So China, I ask you, “Why you not care those 300,000 students?  All you care is stupid black and white bear???”

Hell, we can’t even name them.   (How’s that for micromanaging?) Names like “Zhen Zhen” and “Bao Bao”.   Well sorry to bust your ever expanding bubble of prickly pride but I’m changing their names!
Try and stop me!

Here goes:

Bai Yun….Margaret
Gao Gao….Abraham
Yun Zi….Ralph
Xiao Liwu….Jimmy
Mei Xiang…Edith
Tian Tian….Rothschild
Bao Bao….Clarice
Lun Lun….Eleanor
Yang Yang….Harold(Yeah…Harold the Panda)
Xi Lan…Edgar
Mei Huan….Marie
Mei Lun….Elizabeth
Ya Ya…Linda
Le Le….Antonio

Problem?  Tough shit.

Their exit visas have been cancelled.  You keep my English Teachers, I’ll keep the Panda’s.  
Oh yeah, could you stop stealing from me?  Please.  Can you just stop? Forever? Everytime I turn around I read about one of you guys(my guests!) stealing something from me and taking it back to your Glorious Homeland.

What gives?

Seriously, can you just once for the love of Buddha be a proper guest? Please? 

Can we not make a deal?  You come here and study, learn, get a job, buy a house, have lots of Chinese kids….than….that’s it.  OK?  Buy a car, take up cycling in the park.  But stop, just stop with the espionage.

Good Grief.

(Yeah, I know everyone does it to everybody else…..but you have an awful propensity for getting caught.)

Finally, what’s up with this continual cultural ignorance I continue to see from  you?

You are all so fucking fond of saying, “You don’t know China!”…..well guess what, your punkass doesn’t know America either.

I mean…how can you possibly live in such a Culinarily Diverse Country and not once EVER had a chili dog? Lemonade?

Now I’ve got a lot of culturally arrogant folks here.  The Koreans, the Japanese, etc.  But you guys take the cake.  Really, you do.  Your refusal to assimilate is something to behold.    Go get a plate of mashed potatoes(helpful hint....with white gravy).  

Enjoy your stay. 


  1. Anonymous said...

    I love this post. I couldn't agree more with the basic point- why do Americans act like China is doing us favors right and left, when really they're just taking advantage of the system. That's fair enough for a poor country who otherwise plays nice, but that latter part is changing rapidly and the arrogance is getting overwhelming. I'd love watching the Chinese try to manage their oil supply by themselves for a bit.

    And you couldn't be more right about trade. It subtracts from GDP every quarter. They've been gaming the system for years and it's well past time we start standing up for ourselves. As you say even if trade drops to 0 the US actually comes out ahead. The idea that it's simply fat, lazy Americans who are losing to brilliant hard working Chinese is laughable to anybody who tries selling anything American in China. We send top engineers and businessmen over to help them sell to us more efficiently and they... erect ridiculous barriers to US products being sold here. I've got to pass every order I make through my Chinese government-owned competitors, who get to take a pretty big cut themselves, not to mention get to interact with my customers and get lots of market info. Fine if they want to run things that way, but if that's how it's going to be then that's how it should be on the other side as well.

    Your post also brings up an interesting point that I'm seeing more and more. Long term, friend-of-China types are really starting to change their tune. It used to be that most long-termers would have a fairly positive spin on China, but that's changed. Now the most knowledgable people I know are the most pessimistic.

    June 16, 2015 at 6:05 PM

  2. Much thx for the comments. I'm not very technically brilliant and when I tried to remove the redundant post I seemed to have deleted them both!

    Back to your comment....yes, for the Chinese trade is a zero sum game. Middle men are everywhere and everyone is trying to cut everybody else out. It's a very brutal cut throat business in China. There is zero IP protection, and it has as a result greatly stymied the ability of the West to sell much of anything in China beyond the large conglomerates that went in very, very early, made large mistakes in the process(which they never publicize), and only succeeded because the Chinese government was not threatened by them. Coca-cola, KFC, etc. The Chinese government itself makes a large cut out of nearly every fastfood "franchise".

    The small guy with an idea can't get any traction in China, because the cost of doing business is just too high. I fall back upon my favorite example: the automated parking garage, which is ubiquitous in Japan. Nearly every block in Tokyo has one of these. One in hell doesn't the Heavenly Kingdom?? Because at the end of the day, mysterious officials with no accountability to anyone except their boss only allow the investments that enrich themselves the most, and can care less about what is best for the People.

    Find me someone who is long term China optimistic and I'll show you an ignorant fellow that has never been beyond earshot of a government official when in country. Henry Paulson comes to mind.

    Bottom line its a race. China won't have a truly modern, sophisticated leader, born in the 70's, for at least another 20 years. Will China last that long?

  3. So what do the Friend of China-Types think is going to happen? Depression and collapse?

  4. My problem with the "friend of China" types is that they think the West should give yet more room for compromise and
    understanding. China needs more "leeway", etc. China responds by being more....provocative. China has changed greatly within the past 15 years. Much more powerful, and confident. Could you imagine what would happen if an American spy plane went down in Hainan today?

    I think everyone believes "something" will happen in China. But they've been saying that for decades. The Gordon Chang types. The problem is when you religiously prophesize the end of time, you lose both relevance and credibility.

    It's funny most of the "friend of China" types don't even speak Chinese. And yet because of their positions within Western Society their views are readily consumed. As I've said before an English teacher knows more about China than most "experts" do.

  5. FFF- great read, great insight my friend. You elude to US jobs lost to cheap CN imports, and the related shrinking of the middle class. What percent of that middle class transitioned into an equal or better-paying livelihood, and what % became an entrenched part of he welfare caste? That's a factoid I'd sure like to know!

    What do you think about this scenario: the US becomes a non-trading nation (no imports/no exports) overnight. Would the economic/societal shock be enough to liberate the welfare class from the government tit? What would a non-trading US look like 5-10 years down the road? Would the US devolve quickly into anarchy and complete breakdown of society? Interesting what-ifs to think about. BL

  6. Ahhhh BL, you raise a good point. An excellent point. The cost of trade is a zero sum game for the USA(and most of the WEST). Let's be clear: free trade, late 20th century and early 21st century, has been GREAT for America, as a country. We as Americans are reams wealthier.

    The problem is, it has been horrendous for the American Middle Class. The savings accrued from trade have stayed with American senior management. The CEO, the VP's and Directors. Things like that. I can point you to my former boss at my former company. I ran China ops. I was told he got $10 million severance when he left the company. I didn't get $10 million.

    Global trade has been great for China. At our expense. It has pulled hundreds of millions of people out of poverty, directly and only because of trade with America and the West. And we have made China more powerful as a result.

    So in sum, the world is wealthier, which is a good thing, but the middle class here and in the West is poorer, a bad thing. What we've seen is a great transfer of wealth.

    And for those folks that lost their job to a Chinese peasant making $400 a month? I'm sure more than a few required government assistance. An indirect cost of Free Trade.


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