Quick edit and update on my Hongbao problem
Earlier I had written a post on Hongbao for Xmas. That is, the propensity for relatives or friends to give cash gifts to my children.
My parents gave I think twenty bucks.
On top of the above we received another red envelope from a moderately good friend of $200 each, for CNY.
Now I know some of you are probably thinking that the hongbao should be considered a gift for BOTH Xmas and CNY. Fair enough. But $500 each per child?
My thinking is to put all this money in a mutual fund or something. Collectively, each child already has several thousand in their accounts. As such, my kids are off to a good start. I remember when I was 17 and self congratulating myself because after bills and everything I had cleared $100 in my account.
IF your China Wife is into cash metric comparisons, you will probably lose. Why is that? Because the majority of my readers are Westerners, and most of us follow the "no crazy cash" concept for Christmas.
A nice book and $20? No problem. I should say I'm used to the above...but in all honesty, I'm bemused more than anything. I agree its a nice problem to have, for my children.
But if she looks at your own family's lack of effort to "compete" you may be in for a bit of stress trying to explain things away. As for me, I have no earthly idea if she is reciprocating hongbao herself?
Here is the original post:
I find the Chinese like Xmas. For different reasons perhaps. They like the “lights”. Creating cards. Sending cards. Receiving cards. Decorating the tree.(though, with everything else, I’ve found the longer I’m married, the less control I have over that as well)
My wife, in short, has “gotten into” the “Xmas thing”. We have lots of decorations, lights, etc. She likes the Xmas music we play. She even has a Xmas CD in the Lexus.
In a moment I will rush out to the same place I always go, and try and find the same type of thing I usually try and find, ie jewelry. My wife has long since stopped wearing her wedding ring. (as have I….another post). But she likes the other stuff I buy her, and she wears them all, so that’s fine by me.
So everything is kosher. Except for one thing. And that one thing is gift giving.
I seem to dislike the Chinese tradition of giving money for Xmas to my kids.
We ain’t talking slipping $20 into an envelope either.
Rather, I should say it’s the amount given, that turns me off. Quite frankly it destroys the Spirit of Christmas, when a kid receives a hongbao way above his paygrade.
Grandma and grandpa need to understand money will not buy them love.
As a result, both of my kids have a couple of thousand dollars in their bank accounts. ( Their off to a good start!)
The amounts given are usually in the what I consider “obscene” range for a child, ie $500, sometimes more. With all my might I’ve tried to explain the “Christian ethic” of not giving money during Xmas. Call me a bit conservative in this regards, but I still believe giving cash to someone on Christmas is still a bit crass.
Grandparents giving money to their grandkids is bad enough. I know full well the custom of the hongbao. Yet when mere “friends” give money it’s something else.
Why not just use the money you wish to give and buy something instead?
Alas, the Chinese propensity for Face is particularly overwhelming this time of year. The Chinese are actually expressing two things: “You are cherished”, and “I am wealthy enough to give this to you”.
Spending Christmas with the Chinese is probably the only time I ever prefer Western company. The Chinese simplistic wont for comparison only exacerbates the situation. A large part of the Chinese mentality for cash giving this time of year is not so much an expression of love as much an expression of power, and the need to crave respect. The only problem is that giving money isn’t in itself a memorable act from a child’s perspective. My daughters won’t recall how they played with that thick bulky hongbao stiff with money. They will recall the $35 you spent on that doll, though.
As such my wife never has a problem openly comparing what my parents give our kids compared to what her parents give. You’ve read my posts. You know the royal “Stock” I come from. It’s a battle I cannot win. Nor is it a battle I shouldn’t even try and partake of. With the Chinese, when cash is involved, it becomes an arms race. And when we refuse to join that arms race it’s obviously because we “cannot afford”, to right? Never mind it is not part of the Western culture. (There is nothing more ironic than watching Chinese “Christians” give each other money for Xmas.)
My parents may send one of my children $20 for a birthday. The same day my inlaws will send $500. So am I supposed to order my parents to send $501? Yet the wife still thinks my family’s refusal to pony up hard cash to a child is a reflection of their lack of class. (something else I wish I’d known twenty years ago)
At first I was bemused that my kids were receiving money for Xmas, their birthdays, etc. Only after my wife would venture to tell me how much they were actually receiving did my jaw drop. It’s sending the wrong message to my kids when their stocking has a hongbao inside, and they happily start to count the money once it spills out.
The Chinese just don’t seem to understand(nor care) that Xmas and cash for kids aren’t supposed to mix. Yeah, we give gifts. Yes, we spend money to buy those gifts. Stores bank on consumers spending money. But didn’t Jesus have a problem with the money changers in the temple? I can’t recall any movies where the kid wakes up on Xmas day and happily bounces down the stairs to see green xmas packaging decorated with dollar signs. And the kid bursts out loud
“$500! Just what I wanted!”
Giving children money simply reinforces in the eyes of the child the role money itself plays in society. It’s a simplistic approach. I know it’s a losing battle, but a lot of us out here across the Pacific still think Xmas and great bundles of cash shouldn’t mix. Buy them a bond. Whatever. But Christmas shouldn’t have to be a pissing contest between rival inlaws’ of each family when it comes to giving.
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