China Hand Wannabe's
While I’m sitting here waiting for my wife’s menstruation
cycle to end before I can have sex, I thought I’d knock this out. You all know I look very much askew at
anyone that is wont to call himself a “China Hand”, or “China Expert”,
etc. Especially us Americans. We in particular have it in our DNA to want
to be the EXPERT of SOMETHING.
Anything.
In the Past, there
were without question true China Hands.
John Davies and John Service come to mind. Sir Robert Hart perhaps being the more
knowing of the bunch. (When Cixi requests your appearance, you're a China Hand. )As China has changed, alas so have the requirements for a
so called “China Man”! Shall we pin our
ears back and make a stab at the Modern Day Meaning of such a pompous phrase? What attributes should such a person today
have?
Here goes:
First of all, the first rule of being a China Man Wannabe, is to understand there are only Wannabe's. Nothing else. "Love for China" will only get you so far. It is not a substitute for knowledge. and knowledge is not a substitute for understanding. That is the
first rule of thumb. Thus a China Hand is someone who does not go around
claiming to be one. If he does walk
around with such a placard around his neck, ignore him, throw rotten eggs at
him, maybe even take his girl from him.
There is no greater Arrogant Ass than one claiming to be the above. Thus, a China Hand is one that inversely never
pretends to be, simply because the more he/she learns about this place the more
confused that person becomes.
Don't get me wrong. There was a time when there were China Hands. I would argue when China lacked modernity, it was much easier. Simply being a diplomat used to
suffice. The Brits were probably the
pre-eminent China Hands in the 60’s. Sir
David Wilson comes to mind. (sputtering
around Beijing in his diplomatic sports car and kilt during the 60’s….!)
However, there are indeed modern traits that one should
strive to attain, that one must have(in my opinion) in order to even be
considered as such today.
Socially speaking, China Guy never
gets a table at a club. Never. (OK….Unless he has a boss or customer to take
out, or several other laowai to split the bill with.)
China Hand never has just one China Girl…because, well…..two
is always better than one.
China Hand Wannabe also never lends his chick money. That sudden mommy illness? Can't help you. That diabolical Cancer Treatment? Nope.
Linguistically, China Hand Wannabe can comfortably discuss
Chinese history, modern politics, or culture with Chinese….in Mandarin. Now, careful here, that is not to say one
should be an EXPERT in Chinese everything, because if that is your life’s
dream, it will take up a lot of time.
However, if you are crazy abt China you will certainly not come across
as ignorant. Frequently, you may even
come across as more informed than your local peers, as you have more readily
available, non-censored material at your disposal.
So sorry, but I’m NOT counting folks of Chinese Ancestry
here. You guys have a head start. I didn’t fucking learn Mandarin til I was
23. You did not. We had to learn it the hard way, buddy….as grownups. Our path taken has been somewhat longer than
yours. As such, we appreciate the
journey more than you. So you will ALL
be excluded from this particular conversation.
(Besides, Chinese look at you differently anyway. Not fair, I know.)
In terms of business, a China Hand is involved in
business. Not a diplomat. Why? Simple:
It’s the best way to be close to the PEOPLE. A diplomat might meet….OFFICIALS….but he’ll
never get to know China THAT WAY.
Better to be a businessman.
Better yet, your own guy. As an
entrepreneur, you will be in control of your own destiny.
(I once had a boss that did not know who Deng
Xiaoping was. I had another that COULD
NOT find China on the map. All within
the last decade.)
You will perhaps even have Chinese staff. (an office?) A China Hand understands when his
Chinese staff are either on the payroll of a supplier, or soon will be…and thus
goes out of his way to guarantee he is the one choosing the local
supplier. He understands Chinese
suppliers will always understand there is no 老大except said laowai. Still….China Hand will hire as many female
staff as he can….see above. When’s the
last time a Chinese supplier tried to take a female to KTV? Or the club?
Or Dongguan? This is why China
Hand will hire an ugly woman, competent and preferably married.
China Hand will not go bedding his staff. There are more than enough to go around.
China Hand Loves China….period. The good the bad the ugly. I’ve been spit at, kept from entering
establishments because of my race(gasp!), had housing denied to me(same!), been
cheated god knows countless times by every strata of society, from the school
administration, bartender, taxi driver, landlord, restaurant, etc….and over
time I’ve realized I don’t give a fuck. I’m
a glutton for punishment and keep coming back for more. I’ve been humiliated by Customs(go to the
back of the line!) more than the average laowai.
A Real China Hand Wannabe doesn’t complain
anymore. He may be pissed. He may
have a “WTF?” moment, but he has long since stopped “Blaming China”. He knows China butters his bread and I have
a big fucking slice. He’s accepted his
Fate, and is just fine with it.
Call it an epiphany. Or maturity.
(passive resignation?) He is reminded of how good he has it every time
he comes back home to his nice big house, clean air and swimming pool. In
short, China keeps it Fresh. With
maturity comes acceptance of one’s FATE, and China is in one phrase, “the world’s
biggest nightclub”…..enjoy it.
A China Hand Wannabe respects the Chinese…especially the
taxi drivers…realizes they aren’t all crooks, (and indeed may just be new to
the job)…he enjoys his conversations with anyone he can speak with. Indeed, the highlight of your day may be the
ride home from the factory speaking with the Driver. Or the short taxi ride from the apartment to
the club.
Further, a China Hand Wannabe does not have to write for a
magazine, have a podcast, write a blog(???), or believe it or not, not even have
his picture taken with a dissident(gasp!)
A China Hand doesn’t look askew at those numerous,
overly dressed laowai teachers….cause they are shall we say…”closer to the
earth”…and there’s something to be said for that. Laowai teachers are closer to the belly of
the beast. One can learn a lot about China when one doesn’t
have an expense account. Do they give us
other laowai a bad name? Sure they
do. But so does the non teaching
population of China’s laowai society.
China Man avoids KTV.
Have a customer? Plenty of hookers
at the club.
China Hand has a long memory. Understands where China was 25 years
ago….doesn’t bitch if his subway is late.
China Hand Wannabe doesn’t even bitch if has to eat Chinese food once in
a while(!)
So there you have it.
Again, in today's world, there are no China Hands. Only
Wannabe’s.
Acknowledged
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