By Reader Request....why China Girl never says Sorry

It’s simple why Chinese girls rarely(I should never say “never”) say SORRY:

They want FACE.

End of story.

But if you want the background, let us try and attempt a simple easy to follow understanding.

As I’ve said in the past, the problem with Chinese girls today is that they are part of the still prevalent  “ME” generation.     As I’ve written before, the majority of them grow up as single children, doted on by two sets of grandparents.   Unfortunately someone is gonna have to date this spoiled brat.  When you have two spoiled brats however, ie a male and female getting married, the only sure thing within Chinese society is an ever higher divorce rate.

Another, deeper issue is their families’ unwillingness to properly instill within them a sense of 素质。It’s funny, the prettier they are, the less of the above they have.    The inability to show or express “empathy” is indeed also a problem. 

But do not people eventually gain these traits over time?  I’d say in normal situations, yes, they do.  Including within China.   However, unfortunately, it takes pain, hurt and humiliation on the girls part before these things set in.  For example, I’ve long since decided that if one wants an emotionally satisfying relationship with a Chinese girl, it’s not gonna come from a 25 year old with a great ass, who’ll bed you like she’s auditioning for Penthouse.  Not gonna happen.  Sorry. 

It will come from that 30 something who has finally realized that she was…well…a bitch in her 20’s.   And now has passed the expiration date on getting married.    Yes, self pity is a great inducer to empathy towards others.   But with loss comes EQ.  Younger chicks are usually too busy being the center of attention to develop this trait.

That same lady may also be a divorcee.   In China, but especially in China, it’s easier to use FACE towards your advantage if you are a MALE.  That is, the lack of FACE of a Chinese girl.  The older she gets without being married, the less face she has within society, and thus the less leverage she will have with any potential suitor, within a relationship.  IE, her boyfriend.  Chinese Men want younger women!  It’s this stage where Chinese girls definitely say “Sorry”, a lot.

There are other situations where China Girl will show a sense of modesty.  Let me give you two of them:

I had a “friend” who was dating the top singer of a top club in Shenzhen. She’d of course already had several lovers, but was still a tough catch.   They briefly lived together, for a few months, as she was waiting for the club in Guangzhou to have its Grand Opening.   Late one night, having been left alone at the bar by said GF for perhaps 20-30 minutes, he felt a bit abandoned and simply walked out.   The cigarettes his babe had left next to him he picked up and tossed.   He hadn’t been three steps outside, on his way to the taxi, when she came chasing after him.    Having felt abandoned, he let her have it.  She immediately apologized.   I think the reason for her quick apology was that he was a tender “sort” of fellow who simply never raised his voice, and thus when he did, she immediately realized the error of her ways.

Now this girl was only 26.  But mature past her years.   And that was key.

Another time, another “guy” was living with a 24 year old woman.   She was in the midst of starting her own business(which later failed miserably), and was out late with potential customers at a club.  Her live in lover was returning to his home country the next day.   He waited in vain for her to return.  Finally, around 2am(he was leaving at 6), he sent her a simple text message.
“you need to come back now or find another place to stay”.

She returned promptly, and pretended she hadn’t seen the text, which of course was a lie.   The older fellow dressed her down, and she as well promptly apologized.

In both cases there are two themes here:

One, this fellow was an older, more mature person and when criticizing his lover, used proper language so as not to make things worse.  The other theme is that in both situations, neither lover had any other place to go.  His flat was the only living space they had.  They were thus dependent upon him.   This leverage in my view is what kept the woman “in line”.    Why would a woman want to give up an apartment in Central Shenzhen?   She wouldn’t!

Once you understand how calculating the Chinese Female is, this must be used as leverage, in a civil way, to maintain balance.  

If you are the type that “shares” the rent, by choice or circumstances don’t have the money or motivation to frequently take her out for dinner, a movie, a club, or what have you, she will have the power in the relationship.  Never mind not satisfying you sexually, she is certainly not going to be the one to apologize.  

This “Fellow”(I know him rather well) never spent money on clothes, or even once bought them a gift.   He never loaned them money.   Yet as he maintained the power in the relationship, there were very few arguments.  (And plenty of oral sex.)

Another circumstance that might be different for most laowai with Chinese women is that Shenzhen is by definition a migrant city.  If you meet a GF there, she is probably from somewhere else.   Far away.   No family nearby to fall back upon. 

Finally, the final reason, perhaps the most important reason why Chinese women do not say Sorry, and you know what it is……Chinese Men.

China Guy ruins it for everyone.  Himself, his peers, and yes, that Laowai at the end of the bar.  His unashamedly direct approach, ie “throw money at the bitch and she’s mine”, works more than folks care to admit.   Success or Failure, China Girl becomes used to his actions, and quite frankly takes China Guy for granted.  When China Girl eventually couples with China Guy, do you expect her to ever apologize for anything? 

While both actually have intense pressure to settle down with somebody, China Girl’s options are obviously more open ended.  Where is her motivation to apologize for anything?  With us laowai, it is doubly so.   Face it, many Chinese girls know they will never marry you.  It’s just a fling.  Unless you have something she covets(a nice place in the middle of the city?), she will soon enough treat you like all the others.  The lust wears off.  All the more reason to get an older, seasoned China Girl, who will show a bit more empathy.  Certainly not too proud to say “sorry”.   Face is less important with older women.  The drama goes away.


  1. Maybe it's just me, but the more China or Chinese individuals demand respect/face, the less real respect I have for them. You'd think that with their beloved 5,000 years of history, you'd think that they'd learned that obsequiousness, platitudes, and superficiality were not all that important. That there's a difference between honor and status.. There's talk within China of EQ--Emotion Quotient--and that they'd like to have more of it (I am pretty tired of people posting inspirational sayings on WeChat--just do/be it!) and certainly want their children to have more of it than they do. And I and the West do not have near a perfect EQ score, but it might be a good idea to start by telling your kids "I love you" and saying "I'm sorry" when you've made a mistake. We humans are conflicted, emotional, and irrational. It's difficult to have both face and a high EQ, one demands avoiding acknowledging our weaknesses and the other requires you to admit it. "Face" seems to me to be a poor substitute for sincerity and understanding. (From the guy who prompted this discussion.)

  2. Well said. You've nailed the difference between EQ and FACE in one sentence. I think once Westerners understand what you've written, their understanding of the Chinese will greatly increase, and their expectations towards their lover will be more pragmatic.


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