Urgent Personal Questions and Concerns for the Upcoming Glorious New Year!

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My list of prompt concerns that have my immediate attention and must be immediately allayed!

As regards my wife

Will I perhaps receive oral sex or some type of variation(don’t ask) from you this coming year?   Anything?  Anything at all?

Yes….being old doesn’t mean The Man(that’s me) has lessened his expectations in life.   There’s a reason men like younger women, dear.  

Will I be allowed more than say two sexual positions (with you of course) in the upcoming Year of the Sheep?

Of course I remember when I said “don’t worry as long as I get off its all good.”
Well, honey, I was lying. 
Why don’t you watch a little bit of porn sometime? Study up a bit.   What’s that you say?  There is a 10 point Math Quiz tomorrow that dictates 3 hours of study time, yelling and emotional abuse towards one of our kids?  Oh well, than, nevermind. 

What are the odds of you growing your hair out long and sexy, like it used to be “back in the day”?  I need something to hold onto.

Never mind, dumb question.   However, I think that 25 year old former gf’s number is still around here somewhere….

“Honey, wanna go see a movie?” 

 Or will I yet again have to succumb to Netflix, by myself…?  I guess the true state of a marriage can be easily judged when a person has to watch a movie alone.  Or write a blog.

I believe the last film we saw together was The Hobbit.   You say you didn’t understand it?
You said you had a headache from the visual effects?
Nevermind…..

What I’m most thankful for this year….(ok, not really a question)

Your 36 D’s.   I just love those damn things.(ok, let’s forget the long hair thing…for now)

Recent ultimatum handed down to me…..

“You need to make $20,000 per month next year!”

(Is that before or after taxes?)

Will I be allowed to take the kids out on a hike without being lambasted for being “selfish”? 

I mean…an hour for piano, than two for math, ten minutes for social studies, another hour for math, an hour for violin,  three more for math….could you perhaps schedule me in for a quick ten minutes with the kids?  Ok, nevermind biking in the park…a walk around the block will suffice….

Disclaimer

(The above has been slightly exaggerated for effect.  Any similarities towards any of my loyal readers own Chinese girlfriends or perhaps wife is purely coincidental….I hope.)

Comments

  1. Fletcher Francis FontenotJanuary 1, 2015 at 4:35 AM

    Reminder to self that I very much disdain people who insult anonymously.
    My next reaction is I haven't been called a "twat" since the 2nd grade.
    Next, divorce is more expensive than writing a blog....dumbass
    Finally, "cheat.....?" Your world is rather black and white. Reality is so much grayer. Stop sounding like a Pentecostal.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fletcher Francis FontenotJanuary 3, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    It pains you so to read my blog, I only wonder why you keep coming back to post comments? You realize that is a deliberate action on your part, yes?
    BTW, the Redditors are in full force on my blog. ( I believe you need to reread that post for a proper understanding of what I wrote.) I hope that doesn't ruin your day. No, actually I hope it does.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2015 at 2:01 AM

    (I'm a different anonymous from the one above!) When I read many of your posts, I often get a feeling opposite of shadenfreude: deriving pleasure from another's bad experiences. It's not sympathy (concern for someone experiencing something you haven't), or even empathy concern for someone who is experiencing something that you also have). I've never had a Chinese wife, but I've had girlfriends who behaved and believed in ways that you talk about. One of my ex-girlfriends in particular embodies a lot of what you talk about. Beautiful (used to be a TV reporter), smart, fun, and connected. But, man o man, was she psycho. Screaming and tantrums and full of self-pity and demanding and when she was soo obviously out of line, never "I'm sorry" but "I've been sick lately and haven't gotten over my illness." (How about a post on the issue of saying "I'm sorry."? It seems to be an incredibly rare thing to happen, with complex reasoning behind it.) And boy did she love it when I went down on her, but when she had her mouth on me, she looked at my cock (which has given her so much pleasure) with such a look of disdain. That relationship was doomed by that look on her face. It's kind of masochistic of me to read this as I cringe with its familiarity.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJanuary 7, 2015 at 10:13 AM

    If you making $US 20,000 a month you should have no trouble keeping an Er Nai in Shenzhen. Lots of business trips, and come home to say hi to you kids only. Remember the 3Fs if it flies, floats, or .... it better to rent than buy.

    ReplyDelete

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