I'm all over the place today....Part 1

Once again I find myself more than a little done with a post before emotion and that inner itch “force me” to change gears.   The post I was nearly finished with, that was going to go up this week, will simply have to wait another day.   I’m afraid this next string of posts will deal with nothing more entertaining and scintillating than domestic life.    If you are looking for either Reason or Continuity within this blog, I am so very afraid to tell you that you have come to the wrong place.  I'm all over the place today.

Today is about dinner parties, the decision making of the Chinese Man, (and laowai), and the inlaws.

There are an incredible number of laowai that can’t get enough of Chinese Girls.  So much so, you feel the need to even take the plunge and Marry One.   Last night we had a dinner party for my youngest daughters piano solo. 

(quick count…8 adult guests plus us 4.  5 kids plus my two:  13 dishes, a fruit salad, 4 fruit plates, 3 snack plates and 2 cases of drinks.  Than I was told to go order a large pizza “for the kids”…..WTF?)

Our fridge is now so full of food that it will take me a year to find the butter.

I see myself going out on a tangent again but the stress of hosting a dinner party is, well just stupid.  It’s fucking stupid to host a dinner party for Chinese.  The Face involved is so High…so Intense, that the runup and aftermath are both really quite unenjoyable.   My wife told me that to overcook is the “Chinese Way”.   Whatever.  Another silly aspect of this vaunted 5000 year old culture.   Yet another side effect of a culture that has seen more famine, and culinary insecurity than Elizabeth Taylor had husbands. 

So we satisfy our insecurities and still very much innate fear of “going without” by more than overcompensating.   I played my part of the waif..ie  Laowai the Joker, to the Queen of the Court, also known as my Wife.

In attendance at our little dinner party was an attractive Shanghai visiting scholar.  She is studying “bowel movements”(I kid thee not).     And also in attendance was another attractive lady, with long legs and short hair.  Very quiet.  She wore an attractive sky blue, floral dress with matching shoes.   She also brought her daughter in tow, a pretty “hunxue”.   I wondered where her laowai dad was and the mom admitted she was divorced.   Such a waste.  A pretty enough lady with a graduate degree and a good job, sleeping alone every night.

The aftermath of the Dinner Party will last I suspect nearly a week, as it will take us nearly that long to eat all this damned food.  Actually, anything not eaten within 3 days or so will simply be thrown away, Face having been accomplished.  (“No one goes without at our House!”)
At least this time my wife was wise enough to use paper plates.  During our last dinner party she insisted on real plates, which took me forever to clean up while everyone sang KTV in our basement.

And if you felt I was going to write a post about little corner of domestic tranquility WITHOUT mentioning my two favorite people, ie my inlaws, alas you have assumed…..incorrectly!
I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s not “the mother in law” as a source of general discontent in my domestic life as much as it may be simply this particular mother in law as the source of my inner turmoil and frustration.   I have no doubt if she had lived 140 years ago she would have no doubt given CIXI a run for her money.

There is nothing her daughter can do wrong and nothing I can do right.   During the run up to the dinner party, many dishes must be prepared.  This of course affords the Dragon Lady an opportunity to utter aloud how useless I am.   That may be true, but cooking Chinese food is not my forte, and quite frankly there are 3 living, breathing Chinese adults in my house that are perhaps more suited to this vocation than myself….so pls cut me some slack on that one.

My M&L is the type that feels uncomfortable when I am “not doing anything”.   I must be both out of the house and in an actual office in order to have stature in this Dragon Ladies eyes.    I am neither.

(Never mind I made $2000 profit on Friday.)

Back to my post:

As I said, there are so many of you out there that just can’t wait to marry a Chinese Girl.   I think probably 90% of you have no clue what you are getting yourself into.   You think you do….but you don’t.

On the other hand, before I plunge into the darkness with negativity and jaded sarcasm that no one wants to read, let me remind you again that everything I am about to say will not mean a thing…not one damn thing, if you simply marry either a divorced lady, or an older, chastened one.  Either shall do.   And your bliss will be infinite.   Never will a man be so appreciated, a woman so grateful. 

For in China, Chinese Men are simple.   They don’t want to marry divorced women.  Much less those with laowai babies.  They don’t want 2nd hand “hand me downs”.    And they don’t want anyone over 30!

Yes, yes, there are exceptions….my wife’s cousin remarried….to a man 15 years or so older than her.  I couldn’t believe the difference when I saw them side by side.  (But their “happy” so who cares.)

Chinese Men want to marry a chick in her mid twenties….which in retrospect I think is dumb at worst and unwise at best.  I feel a Chinese Woman isn’t ready for marriage until at least her late twenties. End of Story.  And as mean as it may sound, it’s far better to marry a Chinese girl who has had her heart broken.   There are many reasons for this, but the main, important reason is simple:  her parents will be grateful, and more appreciative of  YOU coming to the “rescue”.  

Because as I’m more than clear of now, after over twenty years of marriage, the inlaws never go away.   They play a larger, not smaller role in your marriage.  And you gotta understand what that role is. 

This is rapidly becoming a stream of consciousness post, with many topics rolled into one. 

I will roll out Part 2 later this week if I can.  My last post was 3000 words.  (You are welcome)  

However,  I can’t keep that pace up. 


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