When you know it's over. Signs it's time to let your China Girl go.

The inevitable breakup.  

Letting go. (Or running for our lives?)  

We’ve all had to do it.  If it’s all about the conquest, and nothing else, it’s not hard.  Not one bit.  Quite often the “relationship” is just something for convenience.  For both sides.  (A lonely, married woman.  A horny man).

Yes, it’s very true some guys just wanna play the field.  Have a rotation.  However, odd as it sounds, though, that does grow old.  A lot of us just want a girlfriend.   We’re warned not to.  Playing the field is much better.  It’s only physical.  There’s an understanding.  Yet, when having a gf, it becomes an emotional complication.   Best to avoid. 

It’s hard to live in China bouncing from one girl to the next.  It’s human nature to want a foundation.  Stability.  Predictability.  Security.  Security brings happiness.   But all good things can’t last forever.   There are signs for the imminent goodbye.  Warnings along the highway.  A man needs to see them.

This is my meandering take on when you gotta let her go:

Too much damn Korean TV!

If you wake up at 2am and see your woman is still watching the newest Korean drama, instead of snuggled up next to you, you have my permission to be irritated.  However, if you should awake again and it’s 4am, you are now allowed to be pissed.  Because that means the coming day is gonna be a waste.  Never mind your irritation at her very clear lack of discipline.   You already know how the day after work is gonna pan out.  Your evening will be full of yawns.   Any plans you were hoping to have with her will now be kaput.  And you know this even as you dress in the morning, as she sleeps blissfully, her athletic, golden legs stretched out where your body used to be, one sheet draping only over one. 

Movie with your babe?  Forget it.  Nice little walk?  Uh-oh.   Not happening.   Instead, when you are ready to have a nice evening together, she’ll be ready to hit the sack by 8pm. 

And this leads directly to our other pet peeve.

You find your woman sleeping too much

It’s bad enough you have to leave for the factory, jump on a crowded subway surrounded by generic people, and stand 45 minutes to arrive at your destination.  It’s even worse when you have to leave a nice piece of ass with dark, tan legs and purple laced bikini panties all alone in order to do so.   And then come home and hear how she didn’t wake up til 2pm, had “breakfast” at 3pm, and hopes we can have a late dinner because 我不饿!

It seems every laowai has this problem, though. (my dad once told me it was due to a lack of iron in the Chinese diet..?)

Your woman wants Steak everynight

Here, I use steak as a metaphor. ( It could be salmon. ) What I’m referring to is a GF that want’s to go out too often.  When your woman thinks the first date(or maybe even the first couple) will turn into a regular night at the local steakhouse, then the laowai is guilty of doing his job too well.  No one just eats steak and then goes home.   Steak in China denotes special meaning.  (It means those purple laced panties are coming off)   

Perhaps the ability to casually have steak, and wine, then to go home afterwards is the sign of not just wealth, but of a mature relationship. 

I say fuck that!

Steak to me not only means wine, but coffee and dessert afterwards.  It means ambiance.  It is not McDonald’s.  It means 800-900 rmb at least.  That I’m paying for(see my earlier post on the middle aged laowai) You think I’m going home after that?  (here I need to digress somewhat.  The downside of this whole steak thing is I can no longer expense it.  That really, really sucks. )

Going out for Steak in Shenzhen quite often means a nice line at the door.   (It means my hot gf is probably going to put some clothes on).  

All the same, steak is a precursor to the club.   Laowai needs to move around.   But when  Korean Drama Addicted Woman wants to top off her lunch(your dinner) with a steak, this is a bad sign of her insensitivity towards you.  

Doesn’t feel like China Girl is just having too much fun at your expense?

 I have conference calls at night.  I have customers waking up.  I do not have time for a casual steak dinner.  I do have time for the meal you will have cooked for me though, when I walk through that door. 

Please don’t get me wrong.   You like to go out for salmon and red wine with your gf.  Or bacon wrapped meatloaf and asparagus.   You look forward to it and very much enjoy it.  When the routine is done and you do not have to think about work.   And she likes it, too.  You’re the one who introduced her to it. (when you finally show her the door and take her key away, she’ll always have that memory)

Going out for Western Food for me is always Fun Night.  But when you want to do Western Food Night 3-4 days a week my budget also suffers.   You wanting to make it a bit more often than that is a distraction I do not need, and an expense I can avoid.

I want to watch the 3d version

I remember when the Avengers came out.  The theater only had the 3D version available(imagine that). I think the price was 270 rmb for two tickets.  Laowai balked.  GF no happy.  Laowai no care.  That’s $22 a movie ticket.   Does this Laowai have warped values?  Maybe.  Why am I willing to spend 500 rmb on a meatloaf and wine, but not 270 on a movie?  I cannot logically answer that question.

I think it’s because the price of a nice meal with a cool ambiance is worth 500 rmb.  It’s similar to the price of said meal in  America, where I live.  But $44 for the movies is a bit too much.  It’s a legal ripoff, that ignorant Chinese movie goers haven’t caught on to yet.(nevermind I’d have to endure somebody talking on the phone)  Doesn’t nearly every American neighborhood have a dollar movie theater?  I can wait a month and catch the same 3d movie for $5.  Two tickets.  Here I need to admit that American’s culturally get it.  Their willing to wait.  Yet, Chinese gf isn’t.

It’s unheard of for China Man to say NO to his gf in this situation.  Upsetting your GF’s face is a ticket to a quick goodbye.   She has more options than you do.  But I’m betting in this situation Laowai doesn’t care.   Here Laowai gets a big PASS.  He’s not Chinese, and she lives rent free.  What is she gonna do?  Move out?  Force Laowai to return to his “rotational” lifestyle?(oh the agony!)

The argument is quick, but the aftertaste lingers.  Just thinking I’d be willing to pay for this movie insults me.   I might be your rock star boyfriend, but I’m not your ATM. 

Table not bar

Again, I throw China Man under the bus.  I get it he needs a table to impress his GF.   I agree there is definitely a double standard for Laowai Guy and China Guy, in China, that China Girl creates.  She let’s Laowai Guy get away with certain things.   But China Girl gains in this tradeoff, too.   She almost certainly knows I’m not gonna want to get married.  There is no pressure.   Yet China Girl still wants her table at the club.   Laowai Guy will not give her that table, and if does, he needs his ass kicked. (you don’t need a table to get laid, SON) 

I see very, very few Laowai in Shenzhen getting tables.  Why is that?  It’s complicated.   One has to speak Chinese.  It’s very process driven.  One has to pay in advance.   There are so many options, and it can be a bit intimidating.(do you want green tea with that $100 bottle of booze or just water?)   In the past 9 years I’ve spent in China I’ve paid for two tables.  Just two.   Am I a cheap bastard?  I don’t think so.   (Mind you I do not go out with a bunch of other laowai where a bottle makes sense.   Actually, I don’t go out with laowai)  Why spend $150 for booze and fruit when I can get us a couple of Long Island’s?

“But you can save the bottle”, they say.

“And hold myself hostage as to what I drink for the next month?”, I retort.

Let’s move on. 

She wants you to hold her purse

China GF really has a problem when her Laowai will not do this for her.   Does this make me a jerk?  (if her purse is too heavy, maybe it does, but then again, she should’ve thought of that in advance)

I’ve no problem holding shopping bags, back packs, etc.  I will, (and do) iron her clothes.  I will do the laundry.  I will cook, and wash the dishes.  I will bring you coffee in bed.  I will make the bed.  I will clean the bathroom.  I will mop the floor. (nor will I make sex an obligation in return…usually)

But as I will not handwash your purple laced(you know what), I likewise will not hold your fucking bag. (try to understand)   And if you continue to make this an issue, you are simply one step closer to the door.   I know you are embarrassed when you see Momma’s Boy, (whoops I mean China Guy), holding his GF’s bag.  But you need to understand how envious of me China Guy is.  (and how he smolders with anger when he see’s you holding your own, and my getting away with it)

Besides.  I know you think my “attitude” is sexy.

Don’t take the subway

Your previous boyfriend had a car?  You don’t say?   Well….I give you free rent and great sex, can we call it a wash?  In this stratospherically materialistic society we call China, I understand the understood, ie “beautiful women don’t take the subway”, but why take a taxi when we can just take the subway and let everyone see “how in love” we are? 

Actually, taking the subway in a big city can be quite the chore.  You walk up steps, then you walk down steps, and you sweat, and then you wait on the platform, and people gawk at you(they always stare at you dear, I know it annoys you), and well, yes when with me, this blue eyed Romeo, I understand it can be uncomfortable at times.

But, I’m sure you see where I’m going with this….as I know I’m probably gonna be on the hook for 800 rmb tonight, could I maybe save 20 yuan when the opportunity presents itself? 

Which leads me too…

She doesn’t  like to take the overpass when crossing the street, ie “can’t we just take a taxi”?

See above.

Not Enough Sex

Don’t know abt the lads, but I expect to have a late night snack approximately four times a week.   Morning workouts are also quite agreeable, however(revert to my GF’s addiction to Korea Drama’s pls), I seem to lack those opportunities.   Weekend Afternoon Delight is also quite welcome. 

But if your lass shows too little initiative, or mood for romance(or lust), but still finds time for important things like QQ and WeChat, well…..make plans for her replacement.   Three times a week is minimally tolerable, but anything below that, and she needs to be given a written warning.    Maybe even suspension from bedroom privileges.  There are selfish expectations the China GF should be expected to fulfill, and it is your job to make her aware of that.

My Mom is Sick

One guy knew his GF for all of 3 weeks before she asked him for 50,000 yuan.   Was her mom dying of cancer?  No.  Her dad simply needed a loan to buy a house.   My assistants are frequently complaining of parents, friends, etc, asking for money.   I feel it’s because they brag about working with a laowai. 

My fellow Chinese businessmen will sometime show me sudden texts from women they’ve long forgotten about, all asking for money, all claiming their mom is blah, blah, blah.

One thing is certain:  your money will never be repaid. 

My rule of thumb is whatever they ask for, give half.  And that’s for family!  (My family!)

I’m worse.  I gave an Aunt $2000 once.  She had the nerve to ask again later on for the same amt and I gave her $200.  (She left me alone after that.)

You may dig your GF, but once you give her a penny, the requests will never stop.  If you can’t keep a “Chinese Wall” between your GF and her Family, she has to go. 

And the clearest sign of all that your China GF has worn out her welcome is….

你真小气！(Also known as when your GF flat out calls you out for being a stingy motherfucker)

Clever reader you are, you probably deduced this was coming long ago.  (Bingo!)

Between the free rent, the movie nights out(no dvd’s for us!), the Red Wine at Coco Park, the Pink Salmon, and I dunno how many times I’ve texted “I miss you”,  yeah, I guess I am a Frugal Punkass this is Who I am take it or leave it Laowai…..Sorry babe. 

I have nothing to say here.  I know because of my “Chinese fluency” and “Great familiarity with Chinese Culture”  it’s easy for one’s GF to forget you are a laowai, and want to compare you to a Chinese Man.   But if she could open her eyes once or twice during orgasm, she’d notice not just the blue eyes, but the brown hair and white skin. 

I admit I have a very poor habit of counting my cash before I go out.   For most laowai, China is still a “cash only “ society.  If only more places in this “Modern Chinese City “ took a proper credit card, I wouldn’t have to do this.  (thank you for understanding my most important possession in China isn’t you but my ATM cum debit card)

Now….why is cash so important, you may ask? Simple….there is no record of an expense.   Simple as that.  Stealthy living is important for some of us.

I need to stop here and ask the Question:  Why is it China Girlfriend doesn’t have any money?

Poor things never pay income tax.  (They don’t understand this concept. )

They never have to buy themselves a drink at the club.    

(Yet they are able to still scrounge together 500 rmb for a pair of jeans and maybe 1800 yuan for that pair of leather boots.)

It’s here I surrender:

Go back to China Man.  China Girl definitely gives up a lot when she dates Laowai.  I get it.   

You’ll never have to sit at the bar with this Classy Dude.   He’ll never count his money in his wallet before going out.   Hell, he’ll take you and your friends all out!

3D Movies?  No problemo for China Man.  It’s “the cost of doing business”,  (eh, or rather of getting those purple laced panties off)

So when I ask you to leave, and return your key, don’t feel sad.  Actually, I know you won’t.  It’ll pass.  China Man is out there!  You and He were made for each other.