Just get a girlfriend, Stupid

Ever go to a local eatery in China, and find yourself next to a couple of noisy laowai?  Every 3^rd syllable is a swear word.   Their negativity knows no bounds.   I’d love to walk over and tell them hush, but I’m good at math, and three of them and one of me makes poor odds.   And I honestly think they don’t give a crap what I think.    Well, if I could talk to them I’d just say one thing:

You need a girlfriend, Man. 

That’s all there is to it.  A lonely man is an irritable one.  If you’re gonna stay in China for any length of time, whatsoever, China will just suck if you’re alone.   Simple as that.  As 99% of you already know, it’s thus more than vital to get a local gf. 

Here's another rambling post on popular ways the laowai tries to accomplish his goal, in Modern China today, and the ill effects of his approach on the rest of us that live here.

Today it’s soooo much easier to do just that.  Before the age of the internet, and bar scene, our selection was pretty much constrained to campus, or our jobs.    If you were a student, you probably did what I did, and dated(if you could call it that), another student.

If you were a foreign expert…ditto…. You dated a fellow teacher.

And if you were a teacher at a night school(they didn’t have all these companies you see, now), you probably dated your students.   I assume this is probably the most common method for teachers in China today.  But if you aren't a teacher, you can always try the below methods.

Well, thank God for the internet.   Now it’s easier than ever to get a Chinese gf.   Loads of women put their profiles, their desires, their wish list on line, for all to see.

I got bored one day awhile back and after hearing abt one particular website in Shenzhen I scanned the personals.  It was an eye opening experience. 

Lot’s of women were on there(and men of course).   A few of them had sob stories.  Usually the same theme.  To paraphrase:

“my heart broken.  Want someone I can trust.”

“I loved him, but he hurt me”

Or….

“I want serious man who will love me forever”

“Are you the man of my dreams? “

Or my favorite:

“I want a bf with a good job, good looking, who will take care of me”

(sorry, hon, I’m taken, but bonus points for reaching for the stars)

Now, it’s here the ugly side of my personality just wants to blurt out:

“Ladies, isn’t good sex enough?”

“Someone that will take you out and give you face in front of your friends?”

The internet has greatly opened up the availability of Chinese women to the ordinary laowai.  Thus prostitutes are everywhere.  

Ever gone on Craigslist?  I went on Craigslist a few weeks ago to browse apartments…being a man I’m not afraid to say I also checked out the personals…..my goodness!

The problem for most laowai in China is they don’t speak Chinese….or don’t speak it very well.   So the internet is a godsend.   Yet it also reflects perfectly the difference between Man and Woman:

Women want a longterm relationship.    I continue to be astounded at the number of women that advertise on these things that actually expect to find a husband.   Or a rich, handsome, bf with a good job who will only have eyes for you. 

Men don’t.  Men just want a sex partner.   For free.   Yeah, they’ll buy you dinner.  Take you to the club….a couple of times.  Than they expect the relationship to normalize.  What does that mean?

They’d prefer you just come over and spend the night….maybe once every two weeks.  That way we have time to find another one and add her to the rotation.  I knew a guy that always had two on the line.   One day during dinner, he had an epiphany and looked at me and said with a straight face,

“I think I can manage three”

We asked him how he did it. 

“I use my guest room a lot”, was his reply.

Has he ever been found out?

“My Ayi knows……she’s the one that changes the sheets after all”….

So the internet while our ally in the hunt to end our loneliness has also exposed the cultural differences between us.    

I see a lot of laowai have QQ nowadays.  I deliberately stay away.   I’m in China to work, and make money, and this whole QQ thing seems a bit addictive.   Friends ask me all the time what my QQ is.  I just tell’em to text me.   They think I’m backward and out of touch.  I don’t argue.

So let’s turn this question around:  What’s the definition of a good woman? 

Easy…someone who will leave you alone.  Someone who has her own good job, and yes, once in awhile, someone who will just insist she foot the bill.   Notice I didn’t mention beauty.   Maybe that’s the sign of maturity.   She doesn’t have to be a 9, or even an 8, to get my attn.  I’m truly jaded and of the belief that quite frankly nearly every pretty woman in Shenzhen is either kept, a KTV girl, or just too young to appreciate a well aged wine.   Too many girls in Shenzhen still drink soda pop, and I bet it’s the same in every other city in China, as well.

What about the clubs?  Well, I find there are two types;  the laowai club, and the Chinese club. 

Sooner or later, men in China all visit a Chinese club.  The laowai are easy to spot.  Their the ones at the bar taking a video of the scene, to take home to show wives back in their home country.   What they see is sometimes crazy stuff:

A guy drunk at the bar itself, before 10pm.

Guys dancing with each other.

Girls dry humping each other on the floor.

Women drinking hot water, or red tea, by themselves.

A couple of guys, or girls drinking $100 bottles of Chivas mixed with green tea.

People all playing a weird dice game.

Laowai struggling to communicate with the bartender what they’d like to drink.

So I ask…..how easy is it for a laowai to pick up/meet a girl here?

Answer: pretty damn hard if you don’t speak Mandarin.

Why?  This is a club for….wait for the answer….Chinese!   They don’t speak English.

Now, the laowai club around the corner….well it’s game on!   Too game on if you ask me.   Subtlety takes a back seat in a laowai bar in China.   But it’s one of the few after work avenues for men to meet women.  And some women want the attention.…which is why they go to the laowai club in the first place!

Problem is the dumbass laowai will than take his approach to the Chinese club, with nil effect.   Not all laowai try this, but I’m constantly seeing laowai walk up to a babe and get blown off, in a very rude manner.   It's my opinion that of all the Chinese who diss us or carry such a negative opinion of us, the reason would be at least half have seen us act like morons within a Chinese club.  (China is that way. All they need is a reason man) The Chinese club is almost anti foreigner, actually.  

A lot of the women in these clubs, not all, are just very arrogant and condescending to the approach of the laowai.    This is where I see the "KTV Effect" show itself.  Many laowai lull themselves into a very false sense of confidence when they go to KTV.   How's that?  All they see at KTV are laughing, malleable women.    

Than this idiot laowai will often try that approach in the club(my former boss included), and find out normal Chinese women(who aren't paid to go to clubs) aren't going to laugh at jokes they don't understand. 

Then again,  why would you possibly think she’d speak with you if you don’t speak her language?? I’ll often go and just be surrounded by a crowd of ladies(or not!), and bottom line is people leave me alone.  They assume I don’t speak Mandarin.  But if I wanted to meet a woman, I’d definitely go to a Chinese club.  On a stand alone basis, wallet aside, the odds are in my favor in a Chinese club. 

And if you heaven forbid, don’t like to go out to a bar, or meet anonymous people online, then there is always the “network”….that web of friends, tangled within weekend dinner parties, sprinkled with plenty of local ladies that speak English.   A lot of the couples I know have met this way.  Through a friend of a friend.    

So not having a local gf can be the difference between enjoying China, and hating it.  It would also shut a lot of those lonely, loudmouthed laowai I hear at local restaurants up.   Because having companionship cures all ills.