I met a girl at a club and I’ll leave it at that. She was beautiful, and yet practically flagged me down from across the room while I was there with a buddy of mine and his girlfriend. We danced and of course received many angry stares from China Male. I was too drunk to really care and China Girl as she is all too prone to do when the attitude hits simply put out that “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.
After all, what is China Man to do when China Girl is the instigator of her own treasonous fun?
A few more dates ensued where she frequently begged me in desperation to help her find someone to marry her decidedly ugly older sister. (Oh but for the random fate of God, why does he make one woman ugly and yet another beautiful?)
After dating a few times it was time to “clinch the deal”. This was a phrase I learned and have borrowed ever since from a good classmate of mine I knew while I was living in Beijing. Alas, his flirtation with China, like that of so many other laowai I’ve known, was just that. A simple one night stand and no more. Not even a glance back. It has pained me to see so many of my friends, acquaintances, classmates…everyone I’ve met in China to have spent so much time there, deliberate investment on their part, only to knowingly just “give it up”. Happy to admit that China “just isn’t for them”.
I scratch my head and can’t figure out why. Sure that someday they will have regrets. Strangely enough I keep waiting for that moment too. Hasn’t fell upon me yet.
I don’t know why I acted the way I did. I’ve haven’t done it since. But I felt the need to tell her about my domestic situation, back in America. As I was walking home to my company apartment I found us texting. I stopped at a light. I came clean. I confessed my sins.
The light turned green and I started to cross the street. From there I would enter the entrance to my complex and thus courtyard. I felt the phone vibrate in my hand. As all of you hopeless blog readers of mine are eyebrow deep with China experience, however, I don’t have to remind you crossing the street in China often requires more than just a little concentration, but an instinct for survival.
(As soon as I got safely across the street and onto the pedestrian sidewalk I got ran over by a scooter.)
Looking down at her text I learned just a little more about China that night.
“What about us? was the reply.
We consummated the relationship a few nights later.
It’s funny the only people that think laowai in China are all cads are the laowai women. I’ve yet to come across a laowai dude that thought this. And if he did, he kept it to himself. Why isn’t it that Chinese born and raised ladies don’t think this way? Still, if one thinks a laowai in China should live the life of a Disciple, well you Sir have never been to China. Or perhaps you are a newlywed.
Having said that I know of at least two newlyweds, both married less than a year, that left their Sense of Morality at the Lowu Bridge. The only thing they are guilty of is knowing thyself all too well.
What annoys me more than anything is the refusal of the holier than though accuser to acknowledge the sordid, disturbing fact that it takes two to tango.
More to the point, shall we?
Quite often it is China Female that is the instigator.
I’ve even been hit on by married Chinese within the workplace.
I’m not here to state or claim that all Chinese Females are this way. They are not. Far from it. And of course I have to put forth the obvious claim once again in a post of mine; every country has its share of both male and female with similar traits. It’s just in my view a far more common thing to see in China.
The moral irreverence of China Girl is something I did not expect. I did expect it in laowai. Many laowai are despicable. Possibly even worse than me. I’ve seen them hit on factory sales ladies. I once walked in on my boss trying to seduce a lowly buyer from our biggest factory. (What the hell was she doing in our apartment?)
But I’ve seen it just as frequently in China Man as well. Men are all the same. And any woman that has spent any time in a Chinese club (read NOT laowai club) would know the difference. Call me a monster? Fine. Just don’t forget to call out a couple of hundred million other dudes in China as well.
Why does China Man often (not always) get into a tussle with laowai in the club? Because it’s one less China Girl for drunk China Man to seduce!
I’ve often wondered why China Girl thinks as she does. I’ve come to the conclusion that after much analytical thought on their behalf, China Girl ironically (in this land of suitors) just doesn’t have any other alternative.
Which is bullshit.
One can say the problem is China Girl herself. China Girl, usually from experience, has such a negative outlook towards China Dude that she has literally run out of options. Which isn’t true. She’s just convinced herself that China Dude simply doesn’t care about her, or marriage. She isn’t respected as a potential wife. She knows that married China Guy simply wants a plaything. And even more she damn well knows she’s not the only one on his phone. She might as well be his “Tuesday” Selection.
Yet I’ve seen China Girl of all social strata simply throw themselves at China Guy. Rich China Guy that is. I’ve seen well educated, somewhat sophisticated China Girl pop off a simple text to her new found moneyed friend,
That is, many a China Girl just doesn’t give a fuck if the dude is married or what have you. They just want a free meal at a half ass decent restaurant. They want to be treated right for a few hours. They want to feel special. They don’t want to go home alone again. To the 300 square foot apartment they probably share. And if it sometimes means fucking the guy afterward, well so be it, because guess what? China Girl wants to have sex, too! Why people that beat up on both laowai and China Guy for having sex with a willing and compliant partner is beyond me. We’re not talking KTV Girls here. We’re not talking pretty girls that play mahjong til 3am and sleep til 2pm, everyday in their free apartment, rented out by some Hong Kong guy or 富二代。
At the end of the day, we bystanders with our selective sense of morality gasp and wag a finger. China Girl decides to just look the other way. She knows Chinese Cultural History very well. She knows Chinese Men have had concubines for many a dynasty. Today is no different. We see when given the opportunity Chinese Men really haven’t changed. But I think Chinese Woman has.
China Woman still wants sex as a means to a better life, perhaps a more secure life, no matter how self deluding it may be. But today sex with laowai and China Guy (including those married) is the result of something else. An opportunity for Chinese women to better emotionally and physically express themselves.
We call Chinese Women morally abhorrent for willingly having sex with a married man. But were these people brought up in Sunday School? Have they even seen a bible? Many speculate Moses had two wives. What does Confucius say about women having extra marital affairs? (I couldn’t find anything.) What does Marx say? And we all know how Chinese Society today has grown up, gotten rich, become powerful(!) within a moral vacuum if there ever was one.
I will say this: I’ve never come across a married Chinese woman looking for companionship whose husband wasn’t already on the streets himself, or whose life wasn’t already long void of happiness and contentment. Are they to blame to wish to find a moment reminding them of what life once was?
Many are simply bored, lonely and yeah, desperate. The coworker that hit on me wasn’t my type. Because if she was I would have a problem on my hands. The General Manager in my office was a skinny Hong Kong fellow. Very nice guy, and we still keep in touch. While he was the office GM he was having an affair with a very well endowed lady that sat right outside his office. Did she know he was married? Of course she did! On weekends he’d go home. Sometimes daily. She fucked him anyway. On a regular basis for over a year, until they both left the company.
But the lady whose eye I caught was married, with kids and living with her inlaws. I think her apartment was 40 sq meters. Compare that to my apartment of 100 square meters. Her life was probably a crushing routine of boredom and fatigue. She lived with her inlaws, no doubt suffering from the weight of a forced conformity as well. I felt deeply sorry for her. What did she see in me? Lust? Curiosity? I say she simply saw a break from reality. And my being a laowai had nothing to do with it. She simply was attracted to me.
She needed something to look forward too. That’s it. A chance to feel alive again. When the opportunity arises do you really think she is going to worry about violating some abstract moral law?
(Moral laws are nice. We shouldn’t murder. But keep your own sense of sexual morality to yourself. Do good in this world, absolutely, but don’t judge China Woman’s sense of morality and who she spends the night with.)
The sex life of a Chinese Couple with kids in a bustling city of 12 million is nil. Where is the energy? The time? Half the time the kids sleep with mom and dad anyway. Life sucks. And when China Man is frequently on business doesn’t China Wife know only too well what’s going on?
Remember the story of the married woman that claimed she only had sex with her husband once a month? The fact her lover was a laowai was only a cherry on top. Another one had recently been devastated when her husband’s mistress called suddenly asking for a divorce. Were both China Women wrong to have an affair with a laowai?
When China Girl has an affair with a laowai its part curiosity. But if laowai has 素质 and doesn’t throw himself at her with whiskey and nonstop fondling he’s already won. China Girl isn’t thinking about passport and marriage! That is so last century. There is no emotional need to fulfill. No sadness to quell, no suppressed need to quench. China Girl never went to Sunday School.
With China Woman, it is all of those things, and more. China Girl is ruthless. She will ghost you in a heartbeat, with ne’er a thought. China Woman may very well cry when you hold her. But do you think her plan is to leave her husband and kids behind? All those calculating stories about Chinese
Women are yesterday. Yesteryear. Sorry to say. Very few are looking to have your child.
China Girl is living life! Yet many a China Woman has already lived “life”, and has found it wanting.
China Woman and China Girl want passion without commitment. While China Girl wants to be seen with you in the club, China Woman really does not. China Girl wants to go window shopping. Then maybe a movie. China Woman wants an hour of passion on a Saturday afternoon. Gone before 3.
Like almost anywhere, many a China Woman live lives of quiet desperation. When they find an avenue for fulfillment, are they really going to judge their willing accomplice?