Memo to China Wife

I see verbalizing things to you is….well isn’t a very productive exercise.   You are so ingrained to Your Way, full speed ahead, that quite frankly I kinda feel you do not think it valuable to register what I’m saying. 

Chinese women can be like battleships smashing through a flotilla of gentle sailboats.  You fit this case.  A lot of your friends do too, actually.   Yet while all I can do is ignore them…tease them…than walk away, I do not sleep with them.  I do not raise my children with them.  Alas, I do both of these things with you.

This gives me the Power of Grievance.   Which I take seriously.  Perhaps it’s time for a written reminder of what you do not think is worth listening to.  

As you are Chinese, I felt it proper to begin in the kitchen.  I’m thinking this is the quickest way to gain your attention.

The large watermelons have to go.   Seriously, what is up with you and all these damn watermelons?  You act as if you’ve never seen one before!  When I was a kid and we bought watermelon it was a big deal….and it was always eaten up within an hour of bringing it home.  I know you like American watermelon.   But can we stop storing the damn thing in the fridge?  Unsliced?  What’s wrong with warm watermelon?  It’s the way God prefers it.  Stop it. 

One more thing…can we stop putting the 20 pound half you haven’t eaten back in the fridge?  I can’t find the butter when it’s hidden behind your watermelon.  I could hide a dead body behind your watermelon.  Yes, I know the shelf in the fridge is broken.  Could it be because you like to put 40 pound watermelons in the fridge……????

Solution:  buy a smaller watermelon.  Bigger isn’t always better.

And can we stop with the boiled turtle? Do you have no sense of decency? None?  Zilch?

If it smells throw it away…..please.

When I open the fridge and become nauseous as a result trust me it’s not cheese….or my eggwhites….or my turkey bacon…..it’s your smelly ass Chinese food.  Get rid of it!

Which causes another problem…..

If the trash bag smells like a decomposing animal…..please don’t wait on me to do my Husbandly Duty…empty the damn trash yourself. Because you know why it smells……it ain’t the fruit I bought, but it very well may be the fish you’ve kept in the fridge for a week.

At the risk of contradicting myself…..

Stop throwing away food.

Everyday you throw away half a rice cooker of rice……and why is that?

I know you didn’t grow up with “Best by” dates on your food….but I did!  Can you please pay attention to those numbers on the front of the meat packet?  All of them? 

You know…..price….”best by”….??!

And if you are wondering if the gallon of milk you brought home last week, a day before it’s “drink by” date had anything to do with this, than “DING”, you win the lottery!

The dinner hour

Can someone on this planet please tell me why, oh why half of China has to call my house within ten seconds of the Fontenot Family sitting down for dinner?  WTF?   Do you not eat?   Do you not care if we eat?

And China Wife…..stop answering the phone! Stop it!  Stop it I say!   I knew you were a social butterfly before I slung you onto the bed and produced child, but…..you only aggravate the situation when you DO answer the phone.

You do not, I repeat you do not want me taking this once again into my own hands and solving this problem for you, Prick Style. 

“Hello”.

“Is China Wife there?”   (All my China Wife’s friends know she’s married to a punk ass barbarian, full of himself and cocky as hell.   Still many of China Wife’s newer friends for some mysterious reason still don’t know I speak Mandarin…so they speak to me in English.)

“She is.”

“May I talk to her?”

“We’re about to have dinner.”

“It…hmmmn…will only take a second(which is 20 minutes but I won’t tell you that because you’re a dumbass laowai and I give not one China Fuck what you think about it)”

“What is your name?  I’ll have her call you back after dinner.”

It is hear where they wish they knew I spoke Mandarin, because nearly all of China Wife’s friends speak crappy English.  You can hear the irritation in their voice.

Following day I almost always get the complaint from China Wife.

“You really irritated my friend you know that?”

(And I’m supposed to give how much of a fuck that I did……?)

The same goes for midnight…any night.  And for the love of God do not call us before 10 am on a weekend.  Don’t you get it??? 

The continuing battle over music lessons

I write this to you, honey because I know you will just tune me out….but please stop wasting gas!  The lovely scenic drive ain’t so scenic when I need to drive twenty fucking miles to get to a 30 minute music lesson.  

My solution?  Trust the Russians.  Trust them.  We have half a dozen Russians within a mile of our Castle.  And guess what??  They all teach as well as your Chinese teachers do….really.

Oh?  What’s that? Just make the money, and let you handle the rest?  Like a pussy ass Mainland Chinese Husband is supposed to do sweetheart?  Your right to “do as you please” dissipates when you drive 40 miles one way for a 30 minute music lesson. 

Grandma panties

Well, I figure this one is fairly self explanatory.  I admit in your “old age” you are still looking good.  D cup with no sag…fondness for black panties.  I like it all, Mrs. Fontenot.  But “leaving a little something to the imagination” only counts when the dress is on, not off.  明白吗？

You are not a junior high student.  Act like a Modern Age China Woman, baby.   Turn me on, not off.  I want some “string” on those panties.   

No Chinese actresses in America aren’t sluts,

I admit I was taken aback at some of the sleaziness some Chinese actresses have shown on American cinema.  Bai Ling comes to mind.  I was even embarrassed when I showed you the World of Suzy Wong at not having known beforehand that yes, it was about a prostitute.  (My primary goal was to watch a Western film made in Hong Kong circa 1960.) 

My bad.

Your visceral reaction to watching Chinese actresses in Western Cinema these days is downright condescending.  Well my response to this is…..what about Gong Li?  She was the little innocent darling of China twenty five years ago(never mind she shacked up with a married man for years).  You loved her.  And now she’s made a Western film screwing a guy in a shower and the back of a car she’s suddenly the worse for it?

Chinese actresses all want a shot at making it in the West.  Better money, you know?  Tang Wei, Summer Qing, Zhang Ziyi.  It shows ambition, not a willingness to undress to succeed.  Has Tang Wei gotten down and dirty on Western Film? 

Me doth bitch too much, you say?  Crumpled paper on the ground.

China Wife have grievances against us Laowai?  I’m sure you do.  Can’t wait to hear them.