Yo China Dude! Buy my house!

Hey, just wanted to let the 1.3 billion or so of you know that I’m ready to sell my house.

It’s on the market.

Well…not really.

But if the price is right, it is for you

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/business/in-suburban-seattle-new-nests-for-chinas-rich.html?ref=international&_r=0

Being how the Chinese per capita income is only around say…$6600 per person, I like others have always kinda wondered from a distance….well from my back yard balcony anyway, where all these 

Chinese dollars seem to come from? 

I see you guys with all your mysterious sources of cash coming over here to the Land of the Free and Easily Swindled and all I can say is……

Well, I’m ready to be taken.

How can I say NO? (answer: I cannot)

Yes, I know, I know it’s your GREAT CULTURAL WEAKNESS, that silly habit of yours to not want to assimilate with the rest of us(Chinatown?), that makes you keen on places such as that Great Sprawling American Wasteland of endless concrete and skinny coyotes called LA, along with  San Francisco(Home to America’s most infamous prison) and NYC(Home to Everything BAD about America), and increasingly Seattle(where it rains 300 days a year)….places with Things All Chinese in their cities.  You pretty much turn your noses at those of us who live between the Left and Right Coasts.

But, hey, guess what I gotta house I can put up for SALE, too!

I have lots of advantages…..just hear me out!

First of all, my square footage….it’s HUGE!

I got 5000 square feet baby!  Plenty of room for your sharecroppers(whoops I meant maids and servants you will bring with you from China).

They can sleep in the basement.  Just convert my movie room to a bedroom(or fuck it, they can just sleep on the couch)

Now, I will need to be up front and tell you I do have not ONE, but TWO Indian neighbors.(their nice people, really they are)    Actually approx. 50% of my TONY(read elitist, too good for most people, and VERY uppity) subdivision is of a very NON CAUCASION color….you’d fit right in.

And I know your mind hasn’t gotten this far down the road yet in the decision making process, but I live in the BEST school district in my state!  (Well…maybe I should use a quintessentially American definition here:  What I mean is our local school district is pretty damn good in athletics…but our Valedictorian went to MIT)

Did I mention I live in a cul-de-sac???

Well, of course, you are probably wanting to know just WHO in my subdivision is famous?

Well….one of the kids in our subdivision is currently at Harvard…so I’m sure she will be famous someday.  But when both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs came house hunting to our area we chased them both away(really we did!).

Now, knowing and understanding how practically financial(financially practical?) ya’ll Chinese are, I am POSITIVE you will know a good deal when you see one.  

Why pay, for the LOVE of GOD so much money for a measly 3000 sq foot house in Seattle(where it rains all the time…wait, I’ve mentioned that already… And ALL Chinese hate coffee), when you could live in the Sunny Southeast of These Blessed United States!!!

I’m only 4 hours from the Atlantic Seaboard, and 5 from the Gulf of Mexico(you can go shark fin fishing in either direction!)

And better yet, I’m 3 hours from America’s Largest National Park(oh…do forests and cloud shrouded mountains and wild animals and fresh air make you claustrophobic?....ignore the above then)

Why pay a million bucks for a house in a city known for simply being next door to Vancouver??

Yes, I know how impressionistic Chinese can be.  I get it, and I’m here to tell you I understand!

But did you know the star of that film “Finding Mr. Right” can’t even find a proper Chinese husband?  Nope….she had to go marry a Korean!  How patriotic is that??  And even worse…..he’s a divorcee!(shame……)

We have plenty of Chinese here…though I only know the poor ones, ie those who came to America before China truly opened up, and thus have no means like you do to pay for a house in cash.

(You guys have really NEVER heard of the IRS have you?  You know the US and China are about to sign a treaty, right?  Buying a house with cash is a GREAT way to let the Boys from Beijing know where the embezzlers are…all the more important to buy my house NOW before the ink dries)

So I guess you are wondering what I’m asking for, right?

Simple…..I’ll GIVE MY HOUSE AWAY for a measly million bucks….(USD only pls…Benjamin Franklins are accepted)

Did I mention I have a pool?  With a Jacuzzi!!  Heated!!!

And lots of red birds we call Cardinals.  And a baby cotton tail rabbit visits nightly at dusk.

Who needs Feng Shui?

And my house is surrounded by 桂花. 

I will be upfront and tell you yes, I only paid 400k for mine….and it’s only worth 500k now…but hey, look how much house you will be getting!

Send me an email….simple as that….the proceedings from the cash sale will be put to good use, I assure you.   Just imagine what a 40 something laowai can do with a million cash in China…..